No Contract. No Consent. No Relegation! Cobblers fan destroys 1965/66 Relegation Theory

 

For many the Cobblers famous season in the sun was as good as it gets for the boys in claret and white. The club's swinging sixties rapid rise through the leagues was the stuff of legend. But one Cobblers Fan can reveal the equally well documented drop back through the leagues did not technically occur! 

Standens Barn resident Paul of The Family Richards has done painstaking online research which completely disproves any claims the Football League and successor the Premier League have that NTFC were relegated.

"I have served a number of notice to rectify warrants on the FA, Football League, UEFA and FIFA requesting they provide a copy of any contract Northampton Town FC had with the football league stating finishing in 21st place would result in relegation back down to Division two." The former scaffolder, turned legalogist told Cobblers Scoops.

"Despite the threat of a non compliance £250,000 fine payable to the issuer, these have been completely ignored, infact the security guard at Soho square requested I leave before he called the police! The cheek of it, if anything I should have been arresting him and I would have done if I didn't have a bad back which has kept me off work since 2003."

Richards, who asked Cobblers Scoops to make clear he was a living breathing human and not a strawman, also claims NTFC are retrospectively owed silverware which could include the Premier League title, FA Cup and even European trophies, "if you think about it, all those games we have won since 1966 added together should have gone towards top flight competition, we could be looking at Cobblers being awarded the 2014 Premier League trophy, not to mention all those times we supposedly got knocked out of the FA Cup in the first two rounds when as a top tier club, we shouldn't have even been playing yet. That time I got kicked out of The Lumbertubs for throwing a glass during an England game was FIFA's fault too".

Gianni Infantino was unavailable for comment.

Next Time: David Buchanan demands "wet ink" signature from referee who issued 2017 red card.

Betrayal Of Trust. True Crimes of NTFC Supporters Trust Revealed!

Whether it's wanting to know the motives of owners past and present or asking "questions" about the land behind the East Stand, all right minded Cobblers fans, particularly the same 12 blokes on the Hotel End forum, will tell you the Northampton Town FC supporters trust are a bunch of meddling, unrealistic time wasters who do not speak for the majority of supporters and should be kept well away from the running of the club. However, local reporter Logan McClickbait, can reveal, this shadowy group of weirdos are also responsible for some of the greatest crimes in history..

 

The Sinking of the Titantic

A recent exhibition at Northampton Museum was a perfect opportunity for a piece on local history, and as the museum is in the town centre it meant plenty of engagement on Facebook with readers leaving tens of cry laughter emojis, comments about too many flats and Turkish barbers. 

However, while glancing through the records for passengers with a local connection, I was horrified to discover  Northampton man and Cobblers fan Alfred Burton was responsible for the sinking of the unsinkable and deaths of over 1,500 passengers.

Burton, who was on the liner travelling to visit family in the United States, wrote to a fellow member of the then Northampton and district association football advancement society. The letter, written months later reads;

"Dear Edward, 

Please forgive the lateness of my correspondence. As you can imagine, attempting to recall the unspeakable horrors I witnessed that evening have somewhat preoccupied my mind in recent days and expressing these recollections to paper has been most painful a labour.

As you may remember, the most pressing concern of us followers of Northampton in April 1912 was the imminent departure of our beloved general manager Herbert Chapman to Leeds. 

Myself and one Frederick Fleet and his colleague Reginald Lee, were onboard the deck speaking of association football. I introduced the two likeable fellows to ales I had packed, brewed by Phipps and a good time was being had by all. 

What shall haunt me until my dying day is that while I lectured the two on how team selections should be voted on by a supporters committee, I distracted them from their duties as look out. When they did spot the fatal iceberg it was too late and the ship did not have time to change course.

To add further to my woes I have since learned SOS telegrams sent from RMS Titanic were initially ignored by other ships as my attempts to contact the British mainland with my ideas for the 1912/13 player's uniform were causing confusion and annoyance in the Atlantic."

Assassination of JFK

As a local newspaper with national affiliations, we also report on stories from further afield which capture the public imagination. Having the headline "Beloved TV star in shock death", at the top of the page will get readers all around the country clicking, even if the actor in question is only known in Chile. It was while reporting on an international story, President Trump's release of thousands of files on the JFK assassination, I couldn't help but notice evidence which placed the supporters trust firmly at the centre of the story.

Its well known Lee Harvey Oswald defected to the Soviet Union, what may shock some though is that before his return to the United States in 1961, he spent two months in England awaiting the US state department to sanction his return to Dallas. Having missed the western lifestyle, Oswald's diary mentions his enjoyment of a Northampton Town home victory against Barrow and the subsequent

visit to a public house on the Wellingborough Road with a group of "Cobblers fanatics". 

Following this happy reintroduction to the western world, Oswald appears to have renounced his Communist ways and writes about wishing to return to "the good ol USA" where he can enjoy the life of an "every day joe".

Prior to his return however,  Oswald is persuaded to attend a series of games, which ends with a three nil defeat to Peterborough, following this and a session in a pub "putting the world to rights" with fellow Cobblers appears to have inflicted permanent psychological damage on Oswald which he, and the Western world, would never fully recover from. 

Oswald's previously unreleased medical records show that following his arrest a psychological examination was carried out on him in Dallas during which time he was heard mumbling about "Mills running like a fairy" and sporadic shouts of "get rid of it Lines". 

I've scoured through hundreds of documents. Oswald was found to have a membership card to "Northampton Town Football Action Group" in his wallet following his assassination. What isn't clear is if these were the actions of a revolutionary, looking to bring on the downfall of the west or if a couple of afternoons spent on the Hotel End drove Oswald to pure insanity. I've read one theory which suggests the grassy knoll triggered flashbacks of looking out over the cricketside. 

Harry and Meghan Falling out with Royal Family

Love or hate them, you cant deny, Harry and Meghan are huge box office players for us in the media. All was hunky dory for them and the other Royals initially. However, there are two big secrets regarding Althorp House, one is the true burial place of Princess Diana, which no one will ever tell you, apart from everybody you meet from Little Brington, the other is that while staying at his mother's ancestral home, Harry would sneak out incognito and go and watch home games up the road at the then PTS Academy Stadium. It's fair to say Harry and Meghan fell in love with the club and it wasn't too long before the two were getting their butler to book places on the Trust travel coach to away games.

And that appears to be where it all went wrong, Social media posts and articles written by other journalists I've regurgitated refer to Harry ruining dinners with the then Prince Charles harping on about the "German 50+1 model" and Megan boring Camilla to tears with her thoughts on safe standing. The final straw came in 2022, when Wills and Kate were stood up for dinner as the pair would rather meet with the Exeter City supporters trust about sustainable crowd funding models.

Getting Rid of the Good Ones On The Dukes of Hazzard

"You won't believe what TV Star looks like now!" is a common trope used in the journalism business and inviting readers to observe the passage of time and the aging of celebrities is legitimate, public interest news reporting. 

However, TV viewers couldn't believe their eyes when the stars of their favourite 80s TV show were swapped overnight for similar yet cheap looking replacements and it's all the fault of you know who. 

While on a European publicity tour back in the 80s, a certain senior Trust figure, journalist and possibly criminal mastermind possibly persuaded the original stars Tom Wopat and John Schneider to hold out for more money and better scripts, meaning a couple of inferior actors were drafted in while TV bosses struggled to deal with the situation.

Next Time: Fan Advisory Board unveil plans to deal with asteroid heading for earth.

Ricky Jade Grinch! Striker Leads the Charge as Woke Cancels Christmas Cheer!

He's used to leading the line at Posh, but this festive season, Peterborough United striker Ricky Jade Jones has mounted an altogether different attack..on traditional festive traditions, and it's all in the name of woke!

The 22 year old has driven family members and team mates potty with his pc demands, which include the banning of the word "Christmas" at the club training ground incase it offends non Christians, an insistence that family members adopt a family of dolphins in his name rather than buy him presents and the starting of an online petition calling for a boycott of his local community panto due to the script's"cultural insensitivities".

Club staff and management initially respected the EFL Trophy winner's wishes, however they lost all patience during the recent Nene derby match with local League One rivals Northampton Town. Through on goal with only keeper Nik Tzanev to beat, Jones had a bigger target in his sights than the derby day spoils.

As the ball rolled across the Cobblers's penalty area, the famous former Express Lift Tower, a striking structure dominating the Northampton skyline, loomed into view.

"All I could think about was how any day now, that mockery of a Christmas tree, an arrangement of lights placed in a triangular shape at the top of the tower, will be switched on. Think of the carbon footprint!"

 

The Posh youth team graduate told reporter Adam Signet after the match.

"So I lent back, took a swing and let storm Darragh do the rest!"

The ball connected with it's festive target, leaving the Northampton skyline without it's traditional yultide glow, but it was an altogether different "Storm Darragh" Posh fans had to contend with post match!

Florida based Peterborough chairman Darragh MacAnthony was said to be furious after reading a social media story about a unisex toilet in Minnesota.

This Is The Walter Tull Way...

Cobblers fans were left in shock this week after manager Jon Brady unexpectedly resigned. Many fans have expressed theories on social media citing the pressure of league one management and the club's growing injury list as reasons for the passionate Aussie's departure. However, Cobblers scoops can reveal the real reason for the Cobblers gaffer's exit, and it's out of this world!

An Unusual Encounter Near Moulton

In the days following the 4-1 defeat to Wrexham, Brady is believed to have gone on a post training reflective walk. He stumbled upon a strangely dressed figure sat next to a gleaming, odd looking vehicle.

The warrior, clad in full Beskar armor, mistook Brady's NTFC badge as a clan symbol and asked for his assistance. He explained he was a Mandalorian warrior from another galaxy who needed to refuel his N-1 Starfighter so he could continue his journey to Earls Barton where he was tracking a rogue smuggler named Crimson Jex.

When the affable Aussie filled it up with a spare can of petrol, the intergalactic warrior returned the favour by demonstrating combat stances, the Mandalorian code of honor, and even shared tips on how to forge Beskar armor. 

As the Starfighter roared to life and disappeared into the sky, Brady stood in awe, clutching a Mandalorian insignia token the warrior left behind as a parting gift.

It was this encounter, Brady has later revealed to those close, that inspired him to transform his life and leadership, with dramatic results for the League One club.

Way of the Warrior

Brady’s obsession with Mandalorian culture quickly spilled over into his management of Northampton Town FC. Training sessions became unorthodox as the squad was introduced to "the Way of the Warrior."

"We'd usually have a tactics session for the following match, there was a quick turnaround as it was a Bristol Street Motors Trophy (now Vertu Trophy) game." explained a player who wished to remain nameless.

"But this one was a bit different. The gaffer gathered us together and explained we had to develope an approach to take down an opponent efficiently and ruthlessly using stealth attacks. Although the choice of language was a bit weird, the result spoke for itself when we won 2-0."

In previously unseen post match footage, Brady can be heard telling Radio Northampton's Tim Oglethorpe the real reason Notts County couldn't cope with the Cobblers tactics was the great Purge of Mandalore. 

"I'll be honest Tim and Jake" the former Diamonds man states, "we knew coming in it's been decades since an opponent has faced off against a Mando attack in such numbers, whether it's The Jedi, Pirates, or a weakened Notts County team made up primarily of youth teamers, there's no guidebook for new padawans saying “here’s how you systematically counter a Mandalorian ambush.”

However, like the Galactic Empire's great purge, Brady's new methods left just a few scattered survivors. 

Warrior Training Goes Awry

Initially, Brady's high intensity, combative style appeared to be paying off with wins against Orient and Crawley and a dramatic draw against big spending Stockport. However, there was a physical price to pay.

Players were reportedly taught combat techniques, hand-to-hand grappling, and how to wield Beskar forged weaponry which resulted in a string of injuries for the first team.

In one notable incident, the entire squad was instructed to dive into the lake behind Sixfields in search of the legendary creature Brady referred to as the "Mythosaur." 

Tyler Magloire, attempting a particularly ambitious dive, sprained his ankle during the exercise, sidelining him for several weeks.

Tom Eaves: The First Mandalorian Cobbler

While many players struggled to adapt to Brady’s unconventional methods, striker Tom Eaves fully embraced the Mandalorian way and began wearing a custom-made mask during matches, believing a true Mandalorian must show total devotion to their creed and cover their face.

Unfortunately this came to a head within the opening moments of the Stevenage game with Boro skipper Carl Piergianni mocking Eaves's mask while stating he would never be worthy of the Dark Sabre.

Eaves's later red card led to defeat for NTFC, and before long Brady had accepted a new mission which would take him far from the former PTS Academy stadium.

The Supporters Trust: A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

While heading home from Sixfields one evening in November Brady heard a  cooing sound eminating from a skip near KFC. Upon investigation, he found a tiny, green-skinned creature with large ears and a mysterious aura. 

"It looked up at me, and I knew right then my destiny had changed" Brady is alleged to have said. 

"When I spoke to the Chairman about it, he said it was important to get the little guy as far away from Sixfields as possible, as the remnants of the Supporters Trust, led by Moff Roberts, would probably plan to harvest his blood for their experiments, which are part of a larger scheme to restore Imperial power to the club", Brady possibly said, before blasting upwards into the sky via jetpack.

Next Time: Keith Curle's Hat Spotted at Jedi Temple

Drag..On! Harry Potter Author Hits Out At Clarence!

 

JK Rowling has launched a series of furious broadsides at the Cobblers claiming the crowd favourite Shoe Army Mascot, Clarence the Dragon, is actually a man.

Rowling, a self proclaimed expert on mythical creatures due to her series of kid's books, has blasted the club on X. She wrote: "What will it take to end this insanity? Every other Saturday thousands of fans, many of them impressionable children, are exposed to this ridiculous charade of pretending a biological male in a costume is actually a dragon. Sporting a tale, wings and 'green scales' does not make you a dragon."

Cobblers fans, and other members of the online far right community, took to social media to discuss the comments. 

"I'm not racist, I just hate foreigners and people who are a different colour to me and that includes green blokes!" said one.

"What next a bloke that identifies as a phoenix!?😂😂😂" said another.

Zooming in on a photo of Clarence's groin a third added: "I'm not being funny but that's a meat and two veg there. I don't recall any dragons ever having one of them 🤔".

A fourth posted "there's a simple test here that will solve this, have Clarence breath on a smashed up wooden pallet, if it catches fire he's clearly got the adequate number of dragon chromosomes".

NEW GOALS! Cobblers Post Season Plans Revealed!

 

After a long and gruelling season, most footballers can be forgiven for enjoying a well earned rest. Holidaying in warmer climates with family and friends, some are known to arrange end of season jaunts with teammates to give their bodies, and brains, a rest from the beautiful game. However, when it comes to the NTFC squad this summer, some are taking a break..with a difference!

Sam Hoskins, Death Metal Front man

Former Southampton man Sam will be swapping the roar of the Sixfields crowd for an altogether different set of avid fans, as his death metal band, Nuclear Martyr, will be embarking on a summer tour of Germany and Austria.

"Literally hours after the Barnsley match I'll be jetting off to Frankfurt. I'll be leading the line for the shoe army on Saturday, then front man for Nuclear Martyr at Wolf-Fest on the Sunday!

Many Cobblers fans might be surprised to hear I'll be spending my summer screaming dark anthems into the night sky next to a bloke with a goat skull tattooed on his forehead, but if anything, my time at NTFC has been a big creative influence on my metal career. Our most famous song, Chorus of Dysentery, is about the abuse I used to get from the West Stand when they found my final ball lacking a couple of years back. Bleak Horizon is inspired by the ongoing East Stand saga."

Mitch Pinnock: Bloke who puts bags of compost in your boot at the garden centre

Team mates often joke six footer Mitch looks like he has slept in a grow bag but this summer he'll be hauling them into green-fingered Shoppers's motors, and it's all thanks to lady luck. 

"I'd nipped into Dobbies to get a last minute bouquet for my mum's birthday" the former Southend, Bromley, Maidstone United, Dover Athletic, Kingstonian, AFC Wimbledon and Kilmarnock man explains,  "my ntfc training top was the same colour as the staff uniform and a customer mistook me for the guy who puts bags of compost in your boot. I didn't have the heart to tell them I didn't work there..then someone else asked, before I knew it I had a queue of plant mad OAPs asking me to load them in their's! I've well and truly been bitten by the bug, it's great to give something back to the gardening community. I had a word with Martin the manager and he's put me on the rota from May." 

Pinnock will have to remember to bend his knees when picking up compost and also be extra careful not to catch the bit of metal on the inside of the boot on the bag of compost as this can lead to particularly messy spillages.

Manny Monthé: Butlins Redcoat

Cameroonian Manny may be trying to emulate the on the field success of countrymen Roger Milla, Rigobert Song

and Samuel Eto'o, but from May to July he'll be trying to follow in the footsteps of Des O'Connor, Jimmy Tarbuck and Stephen Mulhern!

"Football is a short career and we all have to prepare for life after we retire. The transferable skills I have honed alongside the lads in Sky Bet League One can easily be used in the role of Redcoat. It's all about teamwork and entertaining the punters.

In my time in soccer I've been able to demonstrate a variety of talents, being versatile is part of the job description, whether its dominating at left back, filling in at centre half, sometimes getting forward for set pieces and laying on the odd assist. As a Red Coat I'll be welcoming and entertaining guests, fulfilling general duties, supervising the Kid's Club and be part of the costume character team. 

Belting out "Let Me Entertain You!" to punters at Minehead is easily on a par if not better than keeping a clean sheet against Burton Albion. Scoring against Milton Keynes Dons in the Bristol Street Motors Trophy was a pretty good feeling but is no comparison to reuniting a child with a lost toy.

And dealing with the likes of Ephron Mason-Clark in League One is a walk in the park compared to handling a load of excitable six year olds climbing around the soft play!"

Louie Moulden: Human Statue

With many players out of contract come the off season, Cobblers fans could be forgiven for expecting plenty of movement, but in the case of keeper Louie it couldn't be further from the truth! He'll be donning a silver suit with matching face paint and bowler hat and will be taking to the streets to mimic a statue. There are no doubts in the Wolves loanee's mind he'll be up to the job.

"Confusing pensioners and upsetting young children by standing motionless is something I've had a lot of practice in at Sixfields this season."

Next time: Sam Sherring sets up a detective agency 

Campaign: Over! Cobblers Late Season Slump caused by first team's addiction to Dungeons and Dragons

It's been a season beyond expectations for Northampton Town football club. Recent promotion campaigns from league two have often resulted in relegation back down to the basement division within a couple of years. 

This year however, Jon Brady's men have produced some excellent results and football. At one point fans even dared dream of the play offs, however it was a fantasy world far beyond most Sixfields regulars's wildest imaginations which has seen ntfc's season come to a grinding halt. 

"Forget the shoe army, the boys have been more concerned with the Orc army!" a first teamer, happy to speak to us if referred to by his elfish name; Ravenor Nightvale, confirmed to this blog.

"It all started during the trip down to Pompey. We were travelling down the night before and staying at a hotel. Jon Guthrie brought along a starter set of Dungeons of Dragons. He thought it would be good for bonding and team building."

The Fantasy tabletop role-playing game which recently celebrated its 50th anniversary, is a structured yet open-ended role-playing game. 

Typically, one player takes on the role of Dungeon Master while the others each control a single character, representing an individual in a fictional setting.

Jon Guthrie: Dungeon Master

"When Guthrie pulled out his polyhedral dice on the coach and asked us to fill in our character sheets the lads were bemused to say the least, but by the time we'd reached Newbury services they were engrossed in their attempt to set up camp in a secluded spot outside Cragmaw Hideout.

I'd say Jon was an excellent DM (Dungeon Master). He did a great job of explaining the rules but his descriptions of the Forgotten Realms were so engrossing you'd really get lost in the adventure! Jordan Willis got so into his excuberant bard character that even the not very observant goblins guarding the entrance to the cave noticed us!"

    The NTFC first team squad

However it wasnt long until the quest to find the treasures of the lost mines of Phandelver interferred with the mission to finish in the Sky Bet League One play off positions.

"Part of the reason we travel down the night before on some away games is to make sure we're nice and relaxed for match day. But when you've got the majority of the first team squad sneaking into a conference room and exploring Old Hawk Well until 4am on the morning of a matchday you know things have got out of hand. No wonder the lads were knackered and Pompey tore through us like an Owlbear on a rampage in Thundertree Village."

    Owlbear

The problems didn't end there.

"The boys just got completely absorbed in the D&D campaign. The players house in Upton became the official base and we put up a sign dubbing it "Stone Hill Inn". The curtains are always closed and theres figurines, goblets and candles set out to create the mood. It was initially considered banter when Marc Leonard turned up in a wizard's hat, but when he did a true resurrection spell that brought Sam Sherring back to life after an encounter with an ancient white dragon, there were genuine tears of joy from some of the lads.

        Stone Hill Inn

D&D talk at training and matchdays totally dominates now. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Jon Brady. He's trying to get us ready for the Charlton game and you've got Jack Sowerby turning up dressed up as a Gnome Cleric.

     Jack Sowerby/Mordawk Mildew

The real reason Sam Hoskins was out for so long? Mitch Pinnock dropped his Barbarian club on his foot."

There was no resurrection spell strong enough to rescue the Cobblers after their humiliation at the hands of their old rivals Peterborough United.

"Things were in complete disarray. In training the gaffer told us the plan for nullifying the threat of Jadel Katongo, and Sean McWilliams suggests luring him up on to the roof of the Meerkat Family Stand with a mirage of a treasure chest as it's likely Mormesk the Wrath will attack him up there.

    The Meerkat Family Stand,London Road 

During the game Louie Moulden kept on at the ref complaining the first Posh goal shouldnt have stood as he had a dexterity level of +3 and had thrown a 20 meaning he'd actually lept 20 feet across the goalmouth catching it easily."

Northampton Town are due to face Derby County on Saturday 23rd March, subject to the Derby squad leaving their local branch of Games Workshop on time after an all night Warhammerfest.