Friday, 13 December 2024

Ricky Jade Grinch! Striker Leads the Charge as Woke Cancels Christmas Cheer!

He's used to leading the line at Posh, but this festive season, Peterborough United striker Ricky Jade Jones has mounted an altogether different attack..on traditional festive traditions, and it's all in the name of woke!

The 22 year old has driven family members and team mates potty with his pc demands, which include the banning of the word "Christmas" at the club training ground incase it offends non Christians, an insistence that family members adopt a family of dolphins in his name rather than buy him presents and the starting of an online petition calling for a boycott of his local community panto due to the script's"cultural insensitivities".

Club staff and management initially respected the EFL Trophy winner's wishes, however they lost all patience during the recent Nene derby match with local League One rivals Northampton Town. Through on goal with only keeper Nik Tzanev to beat, Jones had a bigger target in his sights than the derby day spoils.



As the ball rolled across the Cobblers's penalty area, the famous former Express Lift Tower, a striking structure dominating the Northampton skyline, loomed into view.

"All I could think about was how any day now, that mockery of a Christmas tree, an arrangement of lights placed in a triangular shape at the top of the tower, will be switched on. Think of the carbon footprint!"

 


The Posh youth team graduate told reporter Adam Signet after the match.

"So I lent back, took a swing and let storm Darragh do the rest!"

The ball connected with it's festive target, leaving the Northampton skyline without it's traditional yultide glow, but it was an altogether different "Storm Darragh" Posh fans had to contend with post match!

Florida based Peterborough chairman Darragh MacAnthony was said to be furious after reading a social media story about a unisex toilet in Minnesota.


Saturday, 7 December 2024

This Is The Walter Tull Way...

Cobblers fans were left in shock this week after manager Jon Brady unexpectedly resigned. Many fans have expressed theories on social media citing the pressure of league one management and the club's growing injury list as reasons for the passionate Aussie's departure. However, Cobblers scoops can reveal the real reason for the Cobblers gaffer's exit, and it's out of this world!


An Unusual Encounter Near Moulton

In the days following the 4-1 defeat to Wrexham, Brady is believed to have gone on a post training reflective walk. He stumbled upon a strangely dressed figure sat next to a gleaming, odd looking vehicle.

The warrior, clad in full Beskar armor, mistook Brady's NTFC badge as a clan symbol and asked for his assistance. He explained he was a Mandalorian warrior from another galaxy who needed to refuel his N-1 Starfighter so he could continue his journey to Earls Barton where he was tracking a rogue smuggler named Crimson Jex.



When the affable Aussie filled it up with a spare can of petrol, the intergalactic warrior returned the favour by demonstrating combat stances, the Mandalorian code of honor, and even shared tips on how to forge Beskar armor. 

As the Starfighter roared to life and disappeared into the sky, Brady stood in awe, clutching a Mandalorian insignia token the warrior left behind as a parting gift.

It was this encounter, Brady has later revealed to those close, that inspired him to transform his life and leadership, with dramatic results for the League One club.

Way of the Warrior

Brady’s obsession with Mandalorian culture quickly spilled over into his management of Northampton Town FC. Training sessions became unorthodox as the squad was introduced to "the Way of the Warrior."

"We'd usually have a tactics session for the following match, there was a quick turnaround as it was a Bristol Street Motors Trophy (now Vertu Trophy) game." explained a player who wished to remain nameless.

"But this one was a bit different. The gaffer gathered us together and explained we had to develope an approach to take down an opponent efficiently and ruthlessly using stealth attacks. Although the choice of language was a bit weird, the result spoke for itself when we won 2-0."

In previously unseen post match footage, Brady can be heard telling Radio Northampton's Tim Oglethorpe the real reason Notts County couldn't cope with the Cobblers tactics was the great Purge of Mandalore. 

"I'll be honest Tim and Jake" the former Diamonds man states, "we knew coming in it's been decades since an opponent has faced off against a Mando attack in such numbers, whether it's The Jedi, Pirates, or a weakened Notts County team made up primarily of youth teamers, there's no guidebook for new padawans saying “here’s how you systematically counter a Mandalorian ambush.”

However, like the Galactic Empire's great purge, Brady's new methods left just a few scattered survivors. 


Warrior Training Goes Awry

Initially, Brady's high intensity, combative style appeared to be paying off with wins against Orient and Crawley and a dramatic draw against big spending Stockport. However, there was a physical price to pay.

Players were reportedly taught combat techniques, hand-to-hand grappling, and how to wield Beskar forged weaponry which resulted in a string of injuries for the first team.

In one notable incident, the entire squad was instructed to dive into the lake behind Sixfields in search of the legendary creature Brady referred to as the "Mythosaur." 

Tyler Magloire, attempting a particularly ambitious dive, sprained his ankle during the exercise, sidelining him for several weeks.

Tom Eaves: The First Mandalorian Cobbler

While many players struggled to adapt to Brady’s unconventional methods, striker Tom Eaves fully embraced the Mandalorian way and began wearing a custom-made mask during matches, believing a true Mandalorian must show total devotion to their creed and cover their face.

Unfortunately this came to a head within the opening moments of the Stevenage game with Boro skipper Carl Piergianni mocking Eaves's mask while stating he would never be worthy of the Dark Sabre.

Eaves's later red card led to defeat for NTFC, and before long Brady had accepted a new mission which would take him far from the former PTS Academy stadium.

The Supporters Trust: A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

While heading home from Sixfields one evening in November Brady heard a  cooing sound eminating from a skip near KFC. Upon investigation, he found a tiny, green-skinned creature with large ears and a mysterious aura. 

"It looked up at me, and I knew right then my destiny had changed" Brady is alleged to have said. 

"When I spoke to the Chairman about it, he said it was important to get the little guy as far away from Sixfields as possible, as the remnants of the Supporters Trust, led by Moff Roberts, would probably plan to harvest his blood for their experiments, which are part of a larger scheme to restore Imperial power to the club", Brady possibly said, before blasting upwards into the sky via jetpack.


Next Time: Keith Curle's Hat Spotted at Jedi Temple






Thursday, 8 August 2024

Drag..On! Harry Potter Author Hits Out At Clarence!

 


JK Rowling has launched a series of furious broadsides at the Cobblers claiming the crowd favourite Shoe Army Mascot, Clarence the Dragon, is actually a man.




Rowling, a self proclaimed expert on mythical creatures due to her series of kid's books, has blasted the club on X. She wrote: "What will it take to end this insanity? Every other Saturday thousands of fans, many of them impressionable children, are exposed to this ridiculous charade of pretending a biological male in a costume is actually a dragon. Sporting a tale, wings and 'green scales' does not make you a dragon."





Cobblers fans, and other members of the online far right community, took to social media to discuss the comments. 


"I'm not racist, I just hate foreigners and people who are a different colour to me and that includes green blokes!" said one.


"What next a bloke that identifies as a phoenix!?😂😂😂" said another.


Zooming in on a photo of Clarence's groin a third added: "I'm not being funny but that's a meat and two veg there. I don't recall any dragons ever having one of them 🤔".




A fourth posted "there's a simple test here that will solve this, have Clarence breath on a smashed up wooden pallet, if it catches fire he's clearly got the adequate number of dragon chromosomes".





Monday, 1 April 2024

NEW GOALS! Cobblers Post Season Plans Revealed!

 

After a long and gruelling season, most footballers can be forgiven for enjoying a well earned rest. Holidaying in warmer climates with family and friends, some are known to arrange end of season jaunts with teammates to give their bodies, and brains, a rest from the beautiful game. However, when it comes to the NTFC squad this summer, some are taking a break..with a difference!

Sam Hoskins, Death Metal Front man




Former Southampton man Sam will be swapping the roar of the Sixfields crowd for an altogether different set of avid fans, as his death metal band, Nuclear Martyr, will be embarking on a summer tour of Germany and Austria.

"Literally hours after the Barnsley match I'll be jetting off to Frankfurt. I'll be leading the line for the shoe army on Saturday, then front man for Nuclear Martyr at Wolf-Fest on the Sunday!

Many Cobblers fans might be surprised to hear I'll be spending my summer screaming dark anthems into the night sky next to a bloke with a goat skull tattooed on his forehead, but if anything, my time at NTFC has been a big creative influence on my metal career. Our most famous song, Chorus of Dysentery, is about the abuse I used to get from the West Stand when they found my final ball lacking a couple of years back. Bleak Horizon is inspired by the ongoing East Stand saga."

Mitch Pinnock: Bloke who puts bags of compost in your boot at the garden centre


Team mates often joke six footer Mitch looks like he has slept in a grow bag but this summer he'll be hauling them into green-fingered Shoppers's motors, and it's all thanks to lady luck. 

"I'd nipped into Dobbies to get a last minute bouquet for my mum's birthday" the former Southend, Bromley, Maidstone United, Dover Athletic, Kingstonian, AFC Wimbledon and Kilmarnock man explains,  "my ntfc training top was the same colour as the staff uniform and a customer mistook me for the guy who puts bags of compost in your boot. I didn't have the heart to tell them I didn't work there..then someone else asked, before I knew it I had a queue of plant mad OAPs asking me to load them in their's! I've well and truly been bitten by the bug, it's great to give something back to the gardening community. I had a word with Martin the manager and he's put me on the rota from May." 

Pinnock will have to remember to bend his knees when picking up compost and also be extra careful not to catch the bit of metal on the inside of the boot on the bag of compost as this can lead to particularly messy spillages.

Manny Monthé: Butlins Redcoat



Cameroonian Manny may be trying to emulate the on the field success of countrymen Roger Milla, Rigobert Song
and Samuel Eto'o, but from May to July he'll be trying to follow in the footsteps of Des O'Connor, Jimmy Tarbuck and Stephen Mulhern!

"Football is a short career and we all have to prepare for life after we retire. The transferable skills I have honed alongside the lads in Sky Bet League One can easily be used in the role of Redcoat. It's all about teamwork and entertaining the punters.

In my time in soccer I've been able to demonstrate a variety of talents, being versatile is part of the job description, whether its dominating at left back, filling in at centre half, sometimes getting forward for set pieces and laying on the odd assist. As a Red Coat I'll be welcoming and entertaining guests, fulfilling general duties, supervising the Kid's Club and be part of the costume character team. 

Belting out "Let Me Entertain You!" to punters at Minehead is easily on a par if not better than keeping a clean sheet against Burton Albion. Scoring against Milton Keynes Dons in the Bristol Street Motors Trophy was a pretty good feeling but is no comparison to reuniting a child with a lost toy.

And dealing with the likes of Ephron Mason-Clark in League One is a walk in the park compared to handling a load of excitable six year olds climbing around the soft play!"

Louie Moulden: Human Statue

With many players out of contract come the off season, Cobblers fans could be forgiven for expecting plenty of movement, but in the case of keeper Louie it couldn't be further from the truth! He'll be donning a silver suit with matching face paint and bowler hat and will be taking to the streets to mimic a statue. There are no doubts in the Wolves loanee's mind he'll be up to the job.

"Confusing pensioners and upsetting young children by standing motionless is something I've had a lot of practice in at Sixfields this season."



Next time: Sam Sherring sets up a detective agency 

Saturday, 16 March 2024

Campaign: Over! Cobblers Late Season Slump caused by first team's addiction to Dungeons and Dragons

It's been a season beyond expectations for Northampton Town football club. Recent promotion campaigns from league two have often resulted in relegation back down to the basement division within a couple of years. 


This year however, Jon Brady's men have produced some excellent results and football. At one point fans even dared dream of the play offs, however it was a fantasy world far beyond most Sixfields regulars's wildest imaginations which has seen ntfc's season come to a grinding halt. 


"Forget the shoe army, the boys have been more concerned with the Orc army!" a first teamer, happy to speak to us if referred to by his elfish name; Ravenor Nightvale, confirmed to this blog.


"It all started during the trip down to Pompey. We were travelling down the night before and staying at a hotel. Jon Guthrie brought along a starter set of Dungeons of Dragons. He thought it would be good for bonding and team building."


The Fantasy tabletop role-playing game which recently celebrated its 50th anniversary, is a structured yet open-ended role-playing game. 


Typically, one player takes on the role of Dungeon Master while the others each control a single character, representing an individual in a fictional setting.


Jon Guthrie: Dungeon Master



"When Guthrie pulled out his polyhedral dice on the coach and asked us to fill in our character sheets the lads were bemused to say the least, but by the time we'd reached Newbury services they were engrossed in their attempt to set up camp in a secluded spot outside Cragmaw Hideout.


I'd say Jon was an excellent DM (Dungeon Master). He did a great job of explaining the rules but his descriptions of the Forgotten Realms were so engrossing you'd really get lost in the adventure! Jordan Willis got so into his excuberant bard character that even the not very observant goblins guarding the entrance to the cave noticed us!"

    The NTFC first team squad


However it wasnt long until the quest to find the treasures of the lost mines of Phandelver interferred with the mission to finish in the Sky Bet League One play off positions.


"Part of the reason we travel down the night before on some away games is to make sure we're nice and relaxed for match day. But when you've got the majority of the first team squad sneaking into a conference room and exploring Old Hawk Well until 4am on the morning of a matchday you know things have got out of hand. No wonder the lads were knackered and Pompey tore through us like an Owlbear on a rampage in Thundertree Village."

    Owlbear


The problems didn't end there.


"The boys just got completely absorbed in the D&D campaign. The players house in Upton became the official base and we put up a sign dubbing it "Stone Hill Inn". The curtains are always closed and theres figurines, goblets and candles set out to create the mood. It was initially considered banter when Marc Leonard turned up in a wizard's hat, but when he did a true resurrection spell that brought Sam Sherring back to life after an encounter with an ancient white dragon, there were genuine tears of joy from some of the lads.

        Stone Hill Inn


D&D talk at training and matchdays totally dominates now. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Jon Brady. He's trying to get us ready for the Charlton game and you've got Jack Sowerby turning up dressed up as a Gnome Cleric.


     Jack Sowerby/Mordawk Mildew


The real reason Sam Hoskins was out for so long? Mitch Pinnock dropped his Barbarian club on his foot."


There was no resurrection spell strong enough to rescue the Cobblers after their humiliation at the hands of their old rivals Peterborough United.


"Things were in complete disarray. In training the gaffer told us the plan for nullifying the threat of Jadel Katongo, and Sean McWilliams suggests luring him up on to the roof of the Meerkat Family Stand with a mirage of a treasure chest as it's likely Mormesk the Wrath will attack him up there.

    The Meerkat Family Stand,London Road 


During the game Louie Moulden kept on at the ref complaining the first Posh goal shouldnt have stood as he had a dexterity level of +3 and had thrown a 20 meaning he'd actually lept 20 feet across the goalmouth catching it easily."


Northampton Town are due to face Derby County on Saturday 23rd March, subject to the Derby squad leaving their local branch of Games Workshop on time after an all night Warhammerfest.

Wednesday, 31 January 2024

Cobblers Beware! Rushden and Diamonds Are On the Comeback Trail!


Northants football's biggest under the radar success story continued last night with another thrilling victory for AFC Rushden and Diamonds FC.


Diamonds were a thorn in the side for the shoe army during the late 90s and early 00s, bankrolled by Dr Martins millionaire Max Griggs, the Nene Park outfit climbed above NTFC to reach the giddy heights of the third tier. 



A memorable day out at Wembley in the 2002 league two play off saw a huge 6,000 army of fans, most of whom were related, leave the rural confines of East Northants to  experience the novelty of electricity and running water. 



But the bubble burst when Griggs pulled the plug on Diamonds financial support. Their decline saw them tumble down the football pyramid into oblivion. 


Off the pitch it was a sad day when Councillor Shep barked in agreement at Irthlingborough Village Council planning meeting, approving the redevelopment of the derelict Nene Park site into housing.



But now new manager Kyle Robinson, who recently found himself in charge of the reformed AFC Diamonds after signing up to the "find me a seven aside team" feature on the Power League app, is predicting big things for the Cobblers country cousins.

"After a shaky start we're climbing up the league, two wins in a row at any level of the game is impressive and despite the names, Beercalona FC and Man-chest hair United were tough opponents."


Robinson is expecting a bumper crowd for the upcoming top of the table clash with  Unathletico Madrid.

"Moulton Magpies Under 10s have their training on the astroturf after us and always peer through the fence".




Thursday, 21 December 2023

Cobblers to Christmas! NTFC First Team Ruin Fan's Christmas!

The Festive season can be a difficult time of year. The expense of gifts and food, the pressure of shopping and the expectations of the season can make Christmas an extremely stressful time. 



So spare a thought for Cobblers fanatic Sean Hardwick, who's yuletide plans went up in smoke after a chance encounter with Jon Brady's Shoe Army!

"I decided to try and get it all done early this year. I set out on Tuesday afternoon on a mission to ensure the wife and kids had a magical experience on the big day. I was really enjoying "playing Santa", the sleigh, in my case the Ford Focus, was loaded up with already wrapped presents and I was headed home when who should I see parked up at the side of the road looking stressed but Mitch Pinnock and Jon Guthrie!"



Sean didn't realise at the time but the next decision he would make would start a chain of events that would ruin his Christmas.

"As a loyal Cobbler home and away it would have been criminal of me not to pull over and see what was up."

"Jon explained the players were doing a visit to Northampton General Hospital Children's Ward to hand out gifts, but his gearbox had given up. It was the least I could do as an avid Cobbler to give the lads and their gifts a lift up to the Billing Road. Christmas was saved!"

"While the players and hospital staff were unloading the gifts in the carpark, I walked to the machine with Kieran Bowie." 

But unfortunately this Star-man didn't appear to be "Over the Moon".

"He'd visited a sick child who'd made him promise he'd get a hat trick at the upcoming  Boxing Day clash Vs Stevenage, but wasn't sure he'd be up to it without resorting to an old wive's tale. He told me of an old Scottish Hogemany tradition which apparently all the top strikers north of the border use. Dalglish, Ally McCoist, Denis Law, Graham Souness, they'd all sworn by it and banged in hat tricks as a result."


"For the tradition to work, during the yuletide period, the person involved has to down a bottle of whisky, smash a window and win a game of cards."

"We had no choice, a quick trip to the Pickering Phipps for the whisky and after  putting a brick through the window of the off license on Abington Square, it was a taxi to Aspers casino for KB and me! It took quite a few goes on the blackjack table and unfortunately Keiran didn't have his wallet so I had to pay, but the real winner on this occasion will be NTFC and more importantly, a sick child!"

But there was bad news for Sean..

"When I got back to the car I was devastated to see all the presents I'd bought the kids and wife were gone. There'd been a mix up and they'd been given out to the patients at the hospital too! Sam Sherring  was very apologetic, but I reassured him that everyone's human and these things happen, just like when the club's chief exec and secretary didn't notice a £10m loan disappear."




As a reward for Sean's kind hearted generosity, the lads invited him to the next stop on their travels, a soup kitchen for the hungry and homeless. Unfortunately when the NTFC 'Elf' squad got there they found due to a mix up the organisers hadn't turned up, but a queue of hungry people had...


"I had no option, The Balti king was just up the road. Unfortunately none of the player's debit cards were working so I paid the bill for all comers. It really was a magical case of come all ye faithful. 




I got so engrossed in feeding those less fortunate, the evening flew by and before I knew it I was the last one there. One or two of the people we had fed were unwell. Unfortunately when I realised what time it was and what a mess they'd made on the floor (pools of sick) I realised it was time I made a move. I had a family to get home to." 


"As I ran out the door a passing car pulled over and wound down the window asking if I wanted a lift. It was Sam Hoskins. I was thrilled to see him and said how sorry I was for shouting abuse at him and posting comments online about him having no end product for years. He didn't look happy but it wasn't anything to do with harmless terrace banter. He was wincing with a mysterious thigh strain and there was nothing the club's physios or the team at the hospital could do about it. The last thing the Shoe Army wants over the festive period is their top scorer out of action. As an enthusiastic Sunday league player in my day I'd had my fair share of injuries and I knew just the place where Sam could get this particular injury treated. Sensual Temptations Thai Massage."


"Unfortunately the first three massages Sam paid for on my Visa Debit card didn't do the trick but by the fourth he said he felt much better but had to go as Jon Brady had told the lads they were having an early morning training session." 

"And by the way he'd just had a phone call from Adam Moreton, who'd told him they'd also started giving out presents to patients on the other side of the hospital and had moved my car there but unfortunately Sean McWilliams had forgotten to put the handbreak on and it had been towed as it had rolled down the hill and was blocking the entrance to casualty."

"As I travelled home that evening I was totally overwhelmed by it all. Yes I'd helped the club I love, not to mention the sick and  homeless but aside from a warm feeling inside what did I have to show for it?"


"By the time I'd walked back to Southfields it was 3am. I was shattered. I'd lent Tyler Magloire my belt earlier in the evening as he was dressing up as Santa in a food bank's grotto so my trousers were falling down and Max Dyche had spilt chutney on them in the Indian. My wife was absolutely furious, she'd been looking at the online banking app on our joint account and wouldn't let me in. She was shouting that I'd ruined Christmas and said I needed to get out of hers and the kid's lives and started chucking all my belongings out the window."


Sean was in surprisingly optimistic mood when he spoke to us from his mum's spare room this morning.

"I asked the Mrs if she'd consider letting me move back in. She said when the new East Stand is completed. Up the Cobblers!"