The Bumpy Road to League 2

 Cobblers fans from Blackthorn to Delapre have been left exasperated by the club's desperate form in the second half of the season which saw the club relegated from League One with four games to go.

Coaching, recruitment and lack of investment have been cited as key reasons for the club's demise. However, Cobblers Scoops can reveal the real cause lies on the roads the Shoe Army travel on every day!

Ask any true Northamptonian what they like least about the town and apart from migrants they'll no doubt answer roads. They're the worst in the world and it's become apparent they were the key factor in the Northampton Town FC disaster of 2026.

Cast your mind back to December 2025, Scott Mills was hosting the Radio Two breakfast show, the "Six Seven" trend was causing chaos in UK classrooms and Kevin Nolan's lads were sitting pretty, firmly mid table in league one. With the festive period on the horizon, the challenge was thrown down by the manager: 12th place on Christmas day and each squad member gets a custom engraved, personalised NTFC china set commemorating the achievement.

"Rumours of the quality soon spread round the dressing room and the lads were really up for it." a club insider confided.

"Obviously the usual names like Cath Kidston and Emma Bridgewater were being thrown around but when someone saw a tab left open for bagsoflove.com on a laptop at Moulton College, performance levels went through the roof. The likes of Plymouth and AFC Wimbledon were put to the sword"

It's well documented that Nolan gave the first team squad Christmas Day off as a result of their overachieving efforts, however, Cobblers_Scoops can reveal the true events of Boxing Day. Having picked up 15 boxes of China from an Amazon locker in Far Cotton, Nolan raced up the road to the former PTS Academy stadium where he planned to play Santa before setting off to Burton Albion.

Unfortunately the former West Ham and Bolton man was less than jolly when his squad opened up their "presents". 

"Here we go lads, this is exactly what I think of you all" Nolan is alleged to have said as he opened the boot of his car in the staff area of the car park.

"The lad's faces said it all as they opened the boxes to find smashed claret and white pieces. His complaints about hitting a "crater" on the Rothersthorpe Road weren't cutting it."

A festive thrashing to Burton and string of defeats followed and it wasn't just the players and fans who were deflated...

Loanie Ethan Wheatley had been a leading light up front but unfortunately due to a series of punctures obtained to and from training, he'd spent almost as much time in Sixfields Tyres as Sixfields Stadium. When the chance came for a move to League One rivals Bradford City he jumped at the chance to sign for the Bantams. 

"I spoke to the manager and loved his vision for what he hoped to achieve here, also I did a Freedom of Information request to Bradford Council and compensation claims for tyre and suspension damage are 27% lower than the national average", he told the Telegraph and Argus.

Efforts to replace Wheatley before deadline day fell "flat" with the roads around the Moulton Training ground turning the venue into an impenetrable fortress for potential signings

"Punctures, sidewall bulges, bent/cracked wheels, and misaligned suspension. No one could get close to the place to get the deal done. One guy tried to do it remotely on a tablet in the cab while they were getting towed, only for the AA driver to go over a massive bump, resulting in them accidentally clicking submit before they electronically signed the deal."

With a threadbare, disgruntled squad lacking goals and motivation, the Vertu trophy represented a glimmer of hope. However, after the travelling squad suffered a bout of motion sickness on the A5123 enroute to Kenilworth Road, the team were dispatched from the competition, Nolan soon followed and League 2 beckons once again.

"Colin Calderwood had plans to shore things up a bit at the back and work on set pieces but to be fair he's spent most of his time as caretaker over at Formula 1 getting his suspension sorted".

NEXT TIME: POTENTIAL NEW INVESTORS LATEST "The man at the top drove through Northampton, the roads reminded him of the favelas of Rio"

Moderate the Boats!

NN9 Reform Councillor Plans To Project Hotel End Message Board Thread on To White Cliffs of Dover to Deter Small Boat Crossings.

It's the political hot topic that's got any right minded Cobblers fan foaming at the mouth while daubing piss poor red crosses on traffic markings around Northampton and now a local Reform Councillor has a unique solution to the problem.

Clyde Vivian (road to nowhere ward NN9) took a break from rambling endlessly on Facebook tying himself in knots attempting to prove he's not one of the racist ones to sample the views of the local football fans. 

"Admittedly most Cobblers fans are slightly right of the official Reform stance on most issues, but my party believes in freedom of speech (unless youre defending Gaza,trans people or challenging my views while I campaign close to a polling station on election day). But not only are these guys true Englishmen, they're also like me, incredibly tedious and above all pointless"

I have written to Reform PLC head office with an email which I'm sure our party leader will read if and when he's back at work, suggesting the HMS Sendthemback projects Hotel End discussion threads on the Supporters Trust on a constant loop on to the White Cliffs of Dover. 

Seeing the inane ramblings of the same 20 blokes will result in most small boats turning round back to France in desperation and in the event boats do cross I propose "Terry Fenwick Ate My Hamster mode" where an audio version of the long term Cobblers fan's endless contradictions is piped into migrant hotels. Migrants will fall into a deep sleep immediately and can be dispatched humanely back to their country of origin."

A Reform spokesperson said "Liebour and the Tories who we are nothing like despite having Andrea Jenkyns, Nadine Dorries and Lee Anderson on our books now, created this crisis and two tier Keir is too busy ordering domestic abusers to be arrested for patriotism. Only Reform can solve this problem and while slightly off the wall it's still less batshit than most of our policies."

Next Time: Belle Du Jour Holdings to appoint "50p Lee" to oversee Kevin Nolan's playing budget.

No Contract. No Consent. No Relegation! Cobblers fan destroys 1965/66 Relegation Theory

 

For many the Cobblers famous season in the sun was as good as it gets for the boys in claret and white. The club's swinging sixties rapid rise through the leagues was the stuff of legend. But one Cobblers Fan can reveal the equally well documented drop back through the leagues did not technically occur! 

Standens Barn resident Paul of The Family Richards has done painstaking online research which completely disproves any claims the Football League and successor the Premier League have that NTFC were relegated.

"I have served a number of notice to rectify warrants on the FA, Football League, UEFA and FIFA requesting they provide a copy of any contract Northampton Town FC had with the football league stating finishing in 21st place would result in relegation back down to Division two." The former scaffolder, turned legalogist told Cobblers Scoops.

"Despite the threat of a non compliance £250,000 fine payable to the issuer, these have been completely ignored, infact the security guard at Soho square requested I leave before he called the police! The cheek of it, if anything I should have been arresting him and I would have done if I didn't have a bad back which has kept me off work since 2003."

Richards, who asked Cobblers Scoops to make clear he was a living breathing human and not a strawman, also claims NTFC are retrospectively owed silverware which could include the Premier League title, FA Cup and even European trophies, "if you think about it, all those games we have won since 1966 added together should have gone towards top flight competition, we could be looking at Cobblers being awarded the 2014 Premier League trophy, not to mention all those times we supposedly got knocked out of the FA Cup in the first two rounds when as a top tier club, we shouldn't have even been playing yet. That time I got kicked out of The Lumbertubs for throwing a glass during an England game was FIFA's fault too".

Gianni Infantino was unavailable for comment.

Next Time: David Buchanan demands "wet ink" signature from referee who issued 2017 red card.

Betrayal Of Trust. True Crimes of NTFC Supporters Trust Revealed!

Whether it's wanting to know the motives of owners past and present or asking "questions" about the land behind the East Stand, all right minded Cobblers fans, particularly the same 12 blokes on the Hotel End forum, will tell you the Northampton Town FC supporters trust are a bunch of meddling, unrealistic time wasters who do not speak for the majority of supporters and should be kept well away from the running of the club. However, local reporter Logan McClickbait, can reveal, this shadowy group of weirdos are also responsible for some of the greatest crimes in history..

 

The Sinking of the Titantic

A recent exhibition at Northampton Museum was a perfect opportunity for a piece on local history, and as the museum is in the town centre it meant plenty of engagement on Facebook with readers leaving tens of cry laughter emojis, comments about too many flats and Turkish barbers. 

However, while glancing through the records for passengers with a local connection, I was horrified to discover  Northampton man and Cobblers fan Alfred Burton was responsible for the sinking of the unsinkable and deaths of over 1,500 passengers.

Burton, who was on the liner travelling to visit family in the United States, wrote to a fellow member of the then Northampton and district association football advancement society. The letter, written months later reads;

"Dear Edward, 

Please forgive the lateness of my correspondence. As you can imagine, attempting to recall the unspeakable horrors I witnessed that evening have somewhat preoccupied my mind in recent days and expressing these recollections to paper has been most painful a labour.

As you may remember, the most pressing concern of us followers of Northampton in April 1912 was the imminent departure of our beloved general manager Herbert Chapman to Leeds. 

Myself and one Frederick Fleet and his colleague Reginald Lee, were onboard the deck speaking of association football. I introduced the two likeable fellows to ales I had packed, brewed by Phipps and a good time was being had by all. 

What shall haunt me until my dying day is that while I lectured the two on how team selections should be voted on by a supporters committee, I distracted them from their duties as look out. When they did spot the fatal iceberg it was too late and the ship did not have time to change course.

To add further to my woes I have since learned SOS telegrams sent from RMS Titanic were initially ignored by other ships as my attempts to contact the British mainland with my ideas for the 1912/13 player's uniform were causing confusion and annoyance in the Atlantic."

Assassination of JFK

As a local newspaper with national affiliations, we also report on stories from further afield which capture the public imagination. Having the headline "Beloved TV star in shock death", at the top of the page will get readers all around the country clicking, even if the actor in question is only known in Chile. It was while reporting on an international story, President Trump's release of thousands of files on the JFK assassination, I couldn't help but notice evidence which placed the supporters trust firmly at the centre of the story.

Its well known Lee Harvey Oswald defected to the Soviet Union, what may shock some though is that before his return to the United States in 1961, he spent two months in England awaiting the US state department to sanction his return to Dallas. Having missed the western lifestyle, Oswald's diary mentions his enjoyment of a Northampton Town home victory against Barrow and the subsequent

visit to a public house on the Wellingborough Road with a group of "Cobblers fanatics". 

Following this happy reintroduction to the western world, Oswald appears to have renounced his Communist ways and writes about wishing to return to "the good ol USA" where he can enjoy the life of an "every day joe".

Prior to his return however,  Oswald is persuaded to attend a series of games, which ends with a three nil defeat to Peterborough, following this and a session in a pub "putting the world to rights" with fellow Cobblers appears to have inflicted permanent psychological damage on Oswald which he, and the Western world, would never fully recover from. 

Oswald's previously unreleased medical records show that following his arrest a psychological examination was carried out on him in Dallas during which time he was heard mumbling about "Mills running like a fairy" and sporadic shouts of "get rid of it Lines". 

I've scoured through hundreds of documents. Oswald was found to have a membership card to "Northampton Town Football Action Group" in his wallet following his assassination. What isn't clear is if these were the actions of a revolutionary, looking to bring on the downfall of the west or if a couple of afternoons spent on the Hotel End drove Oswald to pure insanity. I've read one theory which suggests the grassy knoll triggered flashbacks of looking out over the cricketside. 

Harry and Meghan Falling out with Royal Family

Love or hate them, you cant deny, Harry and Meghan are huge box office players for us in the media. All was hunky dory for them and the other Royals initially. However, there are two big secrets regarding Althorp House, one is the true burial place of Princess Diana, which no one will ever tell you, apart from everybody you meet from Little Brington, the other is that while staying at his mother's ancestral home, Harry would sneak out incognito and go and watch home games up the road at the then PTS Academy Stadium. It's fair to say Harry and Meghan fell in love with the club and it wasn't too long before the two were getting their butler to book places on the Trust travel coach to away games.

And that appears to be where it all went wrong, Social media posts and articles written by other journalists I've regurgitated refer to Harry ruining dinners with the then Prince Charles harping on about the "German 50+1 model" and Megan boring Camilla to tears with her thoughts on safe standing. The final straw came in 2022, when Wills and Kate were stood up for dinner as the pair would rather meet with the Exeter City supporters trust about sustainable crowd funding models.

Getting Rid of the Good Ones On The Dukes of Hazzard

"You won't believe what TV Star looks like now!" is a common trope used in the journalism business and inviting readers to observe the passage of time and the aging of celebrities is legitimate, public interest news reporting. 

However, TV viewers couldn't believe their eyes when the stars of their favourite 80s TV show were swapped overnight for similar yet cheap looking replacements and it's all the fault of you know who. 

While on a European publicity tour back in the 80s, a certain senior Trust figure, journalist and possibly criminal mastermind possibly persuaded the original stars Tom Wopat and John Schneider to hold out for more money and better scripts, meaning a couple of inferior actors were drafted in while TV bosses struggled to deal with the situation.

Next Time: Fan Advisory Board unveil plans to deal with asteroid heading for earth.

Ricky Jade Grinch! Striker Leads the Charge as Woke Cancels Christmas Cheer!

He's used to leading the line at Posh, but this festive season, Peterborough United striker Ricky Jade Jones has mounted an altogether different attack..on traditional festive traditions, and it's all in the name of woke!

The 22 year old has driven family members and team mates potty with his pc demands, which include the banning of the word "Christmas" at the club training ground incase it offends non Christians, an insistence that family members adopt a family of dolphins in his name rather than buy him presents and the starting of an online petition calling for a boycott of his local community panto due to the script's"cultural insensitivities".

Club staff and management initially respected the EFL Trophy winner's wishes, however they lost all patience during the recent Nene derby match with local League One rivals Northampton Town. Through on goal with only keeper Nik Tzanev to beat, Jones had a bigger target in his sights than the derby day spoils.

As the ball rolled across the Cobblers's penalty area, the famous former Express Lift Tower, a striking structure dominating the Northampton skyline, loomed into view.

"All I could think about was how any day now, that mockery of a Christmas tree, an arrangement of lights placed in a triangular shape at the top of the tower, will be switched on. Think of the carbon footprint!"

 

The Posh youth team graduate told reporter Adam Signet after the match.

"So I lent back, took a swing and let storm Darragh do the rest!"

The ball connected with it's festive target, leaving the Northampton skyline without it's traditional yultide glow, but it was an altogether different "Storm Darragh" Posh fans had to contend with post match!

Florida based Peterborough chairman Darragh MacAnthony was said to be furious after reading a social media story about a unisex toilet in Minnesota.

This Is The Walter Tull Way...

Cobblers fans were left in shock this week after manager Jon Brady unexpectedly resigned. Many fans have expressed theories on social media citing the pressure of league one management and the club's growing injury list as reasons for the passionate Aussie's departure. However, Cobblers scoops can reveal the real reason for the Cobblers gaffer's exit, and it's out of this world!

An Unusual Encounter Near Moulton

In the days following the 4-1 defeat to Wrexham, Brady is believed to have gone on a post training reflective walk. He stumbled upon a strangely dressed figure sat next to a gleaming, odd looking vehicle.

The warrior, clad in full Beskar armor, mistook Brady's NTFC badge as a clan symbol and asked for his assistance. He explained he was a Mandalorian warrior from another galaxy who needed to refuel his N-1 Starfighter so he could continue his journey to Earls Barton where he was tracking a rogue smuggler named Crimson Jex.

When the affable Aussie filled it up with a spare can of petrol, the intergalactic warrior returned the favour by demonstrating combat stances, the Mandalorian code of honor, and even shared tips on how to forge Beskar armor. 

As the Starfighter roared to life and disappeared into the sky, Brady stood in awe, clutching a Mandalorian insignia token the warrior left behind as a parting gift.

It was this encounter, Brady has later revealed to those close, that inspired him to transform his life and leadership, with dramatic results for the League One club.

Way of the Warrior

Brady’s obsession with Mandalorian culture quickly spilled over into his management of Northampton Town FC. Training sessions became unorthodox as the squad was introduced to "the Way of the Warrior."

"We'd usually have a tactics session for the following match, there was a quick turnaround as it was a Bristol Street Motors Trophy (now Vertu Trophy) game." explained a player who wished to remain nameless.

"But this one was a bit different. The gaffer gathered us together and explained we had to develope an approach to take down an opponent efficiently and ruthlessly using stealth attacks. Although the choice of language was a bit weird, the result spoke for itself when we won 2-0."

In previously unseen post match footage, Brady can be heard telling Radio Northampton's Tim Oglethorpe the real reason Notts County couldn't cope with the Cobblers tactics was the great Purge of Mandalore. 

"I'll be honest Tim and Jake" the former Diamonds man states, "we knew coming in it's been decades since an opponent has faced off against a Mando attack in such numbers, whether it's The Jedi, Pirates, or a weakened Notts County team made up primarily of youth teamers, there's no guidebook for new padawans saying “here’s how you systematically counter a Mandalorian ambush.”

However, like the Galactic Empire's great purge, Brady's new methods left just a few scattered survivors. 

Warrior Training Goes Awry

Initially, Brady's high intensity, combative style appeared to be paying off with wins against Orient and Crawley and a dramatic draw against big spending Stockport. However, there was a physical price to pay.

Players were reportedly taught combat techniques, hand-to-hand grappling, and how to wield Beskar forged weaponry which resulted in a string of injuries for the first team.

In one notable incident, the entire squad was instructed to dive into the lake behind Sixfields in search of the legendary creature Brady referred to as the "Mythosaur." 

Tyler Magloire, attempting a particularly ambitious dive, sprained his ankle during the exercise, sidelining him for several weeks.

Tom Eaves: The First Mandalorian Cobbler

While many players struggled to adapt to Brady’s unconventional methods, striker Tom Eaves fully embraced the Mandalorian way and began wearing a custom-made mask during matches, believing a true Mandalorian must show total devotion to their creed and cover their face.

Unfortunately this came to a head within the opening moments of the Stevenage game with Boro skipper Carl Piergianni mocking Eaves's mask while stating he would never be worthy of the Dark Sabre.

Eaves's later red card led to defeat for NTFC, and before long Brady had accepted a new mission which would take him far from the former PTS Academy stadium.

The Supporters Trust: A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

While heading home from Sixfields one evening in November Brady heard a  cooing sound eminating from a skip near KFC. Upon investigation, he found a tiny, green-skinned creature with large ears and a mysterious aura. 

"It looked up at me, and I knew right then my destiny had changed" Brady is alleged to have said. 

"When I spoke to the Chairman about it, he said it was important to get the little guy as far away from Sixfields as possible, as the remnants of the Supporters Trust, led by Moff Roberts, would probably plan to harvest his blood for their experiments, which are part of a larger scheme to restore Imperial power to the club", Brady possibly said, before blasting upwards into the sky via jetpack.

Next Time: Keith Curle's Hat Spotted at Jedi Temple

Drag..On! Harry Potter Author Hits Out At Clarence!

 

JK Rowling has launched a series of furious broadsides at the Cobblers claiming the crowd favourite Shoe Army Mascot, Clarence the Dragon, is actually a man.

Rowling, a self proclaimed expert on mythical creatures due to her series of kid's books, has blasted the club on X. She wrote: "What will it take to end this insanity? Every other Saturday thousands of fans, many of them impressionable children, are exposed to this ridiculous charade of pretending a biological male in a costume is actually a dragon. Sporting a tale, wings and 'green scales' does not make you a dragon."

Cobblers fans, and other members of the online far right community, took to social media to discuss the comments. 

"I'm not racist, I just hate foreigners and people who are a different colour to me and that includes green blokes!" said one.

"What next a bloke that identifies as a phoenix!?😂😂😂" said another.

Zooming in on a photo of Clarence's groin a third added: "I'm not being funny but that's a meat and two veg there. I don't recall any dragons ever having one of them 🤔".

A fourth posted "there's a simple test here that will solve this, have Clarence breath on a smashed up wooden pallet, if it catches fire he's clearly got the adequate number of dragon chromosomes".