Good news! PTS Academy has created life out of bits of dead men! Bad news - the creature’s decided to support Peterborough United.

Good news turned to bad this past week at the mysterious PTS Academy.

After recent dissidence among “Cobblers” fans, club owners Belle du joir holdings limited decided to get the boffins at the PTS academy to make some new ones.

“The fans quite frankly have become a pain in the arse” a spokesman for the Cayman Islands company named after a prostitute complained. “Why can’t they let us just do what we want like they did before?”.

Rather than engage with the current fans however, Belle du joir decided they’d try something new - build new fans out of the remains of the dead.

When asked a month ago if this was ethical, a spokesman had this to say “nobody wants to fill a stadium with creatures built from bits of dead folk. But other clubs such as Mansfield Town have been doing it for years, and they seem to do alright”.

So, at their request - the PTS Academy got to work creating a new shoe army of the dead by buying the corpses of men on United States controversial death row. 

After weeks of painstaking and expensive research and experiments, scientists introduced the prototype fan -  “S.T.A.N.” (season ticket (holder) at northampton) to the assembled press.

“He looks just like the real thing” said one Chronicle and Echo reporter, before adding “you’d think he’d been watching the cobblers for years” about the man made of bits of grey meat sewn together, with some sort of liquid leaking out his ear and two crossed eyes.

The launch of S.T.A.N seemed to be a success. However, after club representatives showed him his new season ticket seat for next year, S.T.A.N became visibly uncomfortable. Audibly enquiring to his handlers “is this it, is this life? Why have you made me? Why must I exist?”.

S.T.A.N unfortunately had suffered the same existential crisis many cobblers fans suffer. Unlike others though, this occurred 3 minutes after entering the ground.

In order to try and cheer S.T.A.N up, Belle du joir sent him to Benidorm to enjoy some sunshine before the start of pre-season. But disaster struck, when who did S.T.A.N bump into? Thats right Peterborough United impresario Barry Fry.

“The lads terrific, a good lad with a good head on his shoulders - literally,  the heads apparently from a fella who had an IQ of 124” Fry cooed to assembled press. “I invited him to London Road to show him what we had to offer, and now he’s decided to be our monster in the stands next year” he added.

S.T.A.N at his unveiling press conference at peterborough said “I’ll always be grateful to Northampton Town for funding my creation at the laboratory at the PTS academy, but Peterborough just feels like home for me. Im settling in well and can’t wait for the new season”.

Nobody at the PTS Academy was available for comment at time of writing.

Throw In.

OH BOY! Quantum Leap's Sam Beckett fails to stop relegation from League One, no longer possessing Jonathan Mitchell.

BY football and paranormal correspondent "Throw In".

Few players have drawn Cobbler's fans ire this past season like goalkeeper Jonathan Mitchell. 

The young Derby County goalkeeper frustrated supporters with a string of error laden performances. However Cobblers Scoops has received word that his unconvincing displays between the sticks, may have been the result of some cosmic interference.

Quantum Leap’s Dr Sam Beckett has been playing in goal for the Cobblers under the guise of Jonathan Mitchell, to try and save them from the drop to Sky Bet League 2.

“Like most leaps, I don’t know why I’m there until things really get going” the main character from the 90s sci fi hit explained. “I’d just finished doing a stint standing up against White Nationalists as part of the American Civil Rights movement. I leaped, and when I woke up I was picking up a backpass against Burton Albion!”

This particular mistake irritated most of the shoe army, but Sam reassured Cobblers Scoops it was an honest mistake. “This may be the 'swiss cheese' effect that leaping from person to person within my own lifetime has on my memory, but I don't recall ever watching a soccer game, and here I was playing in goal for the Northampton Cobblers, how would I know I wasn't meant to pick it up!?” 

Dr Beckett continued “then to top it all off, I was asking my best friend Al, what was going on and what I was meant to be doing, and Michael Bostwick smashed the ball really hard at me and scored. At one point I thought Al, who was sort of leaning on the post, was gonna clear it off the line, but as the ball drifted harmlessly through his chest I remembered he was a hologram that only I can see and hear."

Whilst boasting an impressive record of successful 'leaps' Dr Beckett has failed at least one other mission before failing to keep the Cobblers up. Whilst embodying a ferris wheel operator at Georgia's (USA) state fair in 1972, he forgot to screw a key bolt into the ride. This meant when he fired up the wheel,  it rolled away into a nearby ravine carrying 32 children on board. "The ferris wheel just got away from me" laughed Sam, "a bit like a few shots i've faced this season!"

Whilst Sam failed in keeping the Cobblers up he was still in good spirits. “I’ll always look back on my time at the PTS academy stadium fondly. We seemed to do OK against the teams above us but every time we lost against the teams around us Ziggy would report back that the odds weren't looking good for survival. Yes I didn’t keep the Cobblers up, but some tasks are too big, even for quantum leapers”.

Dr Sam Beckett is currently a showgirl in 1930’s New Orleans, tasked with stopping the murder of the city's Mayor. Jonathan Mitchell has returned to Derby County and doesn’t remember any of his loan spell. Steve Arnold, the other goalkeeper on Northampton Town's books this season has left the club to take up a new position with Starfleet as captain of the Starship Enterprise NX-01 in the 23rd century.

ON LOAN TO LEAGUE TWO!

GUEST BLOG RELEGATION SPECIAL!

By "Throw In"

Relegated Northampton Town fans wondering “how could this happen?” at the only club in England where this regularly happens.

Cobblers fans were left stunned this weekend as a 3-0 defeat to high flying Blackpool, left the club consigned to spend next season in English football's basement division.

“I just weren't expecting this at all” said ntfc supporter Coco the clown, about a side that got rid of their entire back 3 over pre season, decided to play a competition winner in goal for the 4th year in a row, and took the unusual step of playing the entire campaign with no strikers.

Henry B Dunce, founder of shoe lickers facebook group weighed in on a post to say “I’m beginning to think Kelvin Thomas and David Bower don't care about the club at all!?”, forgetting that over the past 5 years these two men who live in the USA and UAE respectively, tried to sell the club to a chinese sports memorabilia firm without telling anybody, quietly changed the clubs ownership over to a cayman islands based firm named after a prostitute, been relegated twice and not finished building the east stand like they promised when they bought the club.

There was more confusion over the senior positions at the club. Barbara Nice, who prefers playing in league 2 anyway took to twitter to ask “what is it that James Whiting does again?”, 3 years after a verdict on the missing millions explained the answer was not a lot, until his interests could potentially be harmed.

Finally Barry Shitpeas from the cobbler talk podcast took to one of his 4 twitter accounts, (2 inactive) to let everybody know he thought “the club will slide into the conference if something drastic doesn't change!” after spending 3 years helping to maintain the status quo, by shouting down progressive ideas from the supporters trust, hosting weak q&a’s with the chairman, and telling other concerned fans that “it’s his (kelvin thomas) club, he can do what he likes with it”.

The cobblers begin their 125th and final year in the Skybet League 2 next season.