Boys Behind Bars Backfires on Brady!

Special report by our football correspondent "throw in" 

Cobblers manager Jon Brady was left red faced after an attempt at a team bonding exercise caused him to be without 6 first team players for the week.

The enigmatic Aussie was inspired to reenact the Stanford Prison Experiment with the first team squad this past Wednesday after hearing a podcast about it on the way back from Charlton.

Unfortunately, after splitting the group into prisoners and officers - 10 unnamed staff including 6 players were locked in a makeshift “holding cell” (matchday escape room) for 3 days, when “Prison Sergeant” Sam Hoskins misplaced the key.

“Nobody was really sure what was to be gained from doing this to begin with” one furious club insider scowled. After locking up after recreation time, Sam Hoskins quickly got tearful before reluctantly revealing he’d put the keys down somewhere and now couldn’t remember where.

The situation was made worse when club chairman Kelvin Thomas found out about the issue. The unnamed insider said that the chairman was said to be furious that the matchday escape room was being used, and forbid anybody stuck in there from creating a makeshift toilet, as it would cost the club “considerable matchday revenue” in the future.

It wasn’t until Saturday morning, that Hoskin’s grandmother found the keys in his lunch box, after emptying his kit bag for its weekly wash - he’d put them there when he had his midmorning snack of dairylea dunkers.

When asked for comment, ex Rushden and Diamonds man Brady shook his head “it was a bad few days, I only expected the experiment to go as intended - with the lads in the role of prison officers mistreating and possibly tormenting the lads who were prisoners. It was silly of me not to foresee that some kind of mishap would befall us”.

However, with the first team recently getting a valuable point at promotion chasing Doncaster Rovers, Bradey wouldn’t rule out trying the experiment again.

“My job is to win football matches and conduct research into human behaviour on behalf of the PTS Academy. If I let one setback deter me from trying new things, then I’d never learn anything”.

The Cobblers play Oxford United this evening in League One.

Anniversary Shirt Special Edition

2022 will be a milestone year for Northampton Town Football Club and now all Cobblers Supporters can celebrate this with a special commemorative shirt!

It was what feels like 125 years ago that David Cardoza announced plans and intentions to expand Sixfields stadium (but get someone else to pay for it). A historic legacy that continues to this day.

To celebrate this a special one off edition shirt with the full high court judgement of Northampton Borough Council vs Cardoza embroided into it is available to all tax payers left affected by the unpaid loan.

Poles Apart!

Cobblers fans are once again bracing themselves for the latest delay in the redevelopment saga and this time the reason is literally out of this world!

Scientists believe 780,000 years ago, the north and south poles reversed and swapped position. It may be about to happen again, with devastating effects on the club's plans to expand the east stand.

Many facets of Cobblers fan's lives depend on the Earth’s magnetic field, anchored by the North and South poles, from the electrical grid that powers their computers allowing them to watch buffering footage of the club in action on I follow to the satellites many of them are looking forward to use to tune in to GB News. A polar switch may be about to happen again, some scientists believe, with potentially disastrous results for the 2020 league two playoff winners.

A geomagnetic reversal is a change in a planet's magnetic field such that the positions of magnetic north and magnetic south are interchanged (not to be confused with geographic north and geographic south). The Earth's field has alternated between periods of normal polarity, in which the predominant direction of the field was the same as the present direction, and reverse polarity, in which it was the opposite. These periods are called chrons (not to be confused with the local Northampton newspaper whose reporters apparently had no idea what was going on behind the scenes when the original land deal to redevelop the East stand went awry).

Professor of pole-ology at PTS academy university and retired NASA scientist Chad Huckle explained; "We are literally looking at a scenario where north becomes south and south becomes north. This would cause chaos as the North Stand would become the away end and South the home. Best to put things on hold even more with the East stand until things are a bit clearer as in a post covid world this could lead to confusion as the lads in the South corner of the west stand would be spending the entire game chanting and gesturing to their fellow cobblers in the south stand, I mean north. Come on lads we're all Cobblers!"

There is also the question that if the North and South poles were to swap, would  Northampton Town football club become Southampton town football club and play in the Premier league and would the South coast outfit be prepared to up sticks and play in League One?

In more positive news, fan favourite Nicky Adam's would likely return to the club as he'd feel more at home playing in the club's new more northern setting. (But only if the club were relegated to league two).

Other problems the polar switch could create such as the destruction of the ozone layer and the world's satellite system, environmental catastrophe and mass extinction are being debated by a committee made up of experts from the University of Columbia, NASA scientists, the United Nations and the Shoe Army Facebook group.

Adams' Antiques

Cobblers Star Nicky Comes Clean About Lovejoy Addiction 

Cobblers midfielder Nicky Adams has opened up about his addiction to Lovejoy.

The former Bury man became addicted to the comedy drama about the loveable rogue antiques dealer during the national lockdown. 

"It all started when I was stuck at home bored, I was flicking through the channels and started watching a Season 3 episode on the Drama channel. I was instantly won over, the chemistry between Ian McShane and Phylis Logan was incredible and Dudley Sutton as Tinker was hilarious. Before I knew it I was buying the DVDs as I wanted to see the behind the scenes extras and it sort of spiraled out of control from there.

At one point every time I picked up my phone my hand was constantly hovering over memorabilia on sale on ebay and Amazon".

Following the return to training after the virus enforced break, Cobblers manager Keith Curle became concerned when Adams turned up with his hair dyed black while sporting a leather jacket.

"We're all human beings and we're all trying to cope with unprecedented times" he said.

"I was prepared to give Nicky a bit of space and time when I noticed him rifling through the trophy cabinet checking for any distinctive trinkets."

"I even turned a blind eye when he started breaking the fourth wall during training, pausing to do little asides to no one in particular."

"But I drew the line at him missing training".

"I was at an old stately home in Northumberland." Adams admitted.

"The housekeeper tipped me off that some old love letters written by a soldier who served at the Battle of Trafalgar were hidden in a dresser and it was too good an opportunity to miss."

"All the credit in the world to the physio Nacho and his team." Adams continued.

"He identified there was a problem and weaned me off Lovejoy by showing me a dvd of series one of Nick Berry's Harbour Lights."

Adams is now recovering from an unrelated injury and is said to be returning to action soon, following a weekend break sailing around in a little boat at Bridport Harbour in Dorset.

Keith Curle's Hat Furloughed

Northampton Town  have furloughed Keith Curle’s hat because of the coronavirus pandemic.

The League Two outfit say they have made the move to "protect the long-term financial viability" of the hat in "unprecedented times".

Cobblers Scoops understands the club will top up the wages of the hat and will not seek pay deferrals.

The hat was told of the furlough measures today.

The government's job retention scheme covers 80% of the hat's expenses, up to a maximum of £2.59 per month which is thought to cover steaming and dusting costs.

Keith Curle`s head will be sustained by an emergency baseball cap from the club shop stock.

 

Goode Cause

As the Cobblers opener against Walsall draws ever nearer, we can reveal one likely notable absence from the ntfc side set to face the Saddlers.

Charlie Goode has indicated to manager Keith Curle that he is unhappy to play and will be for all intents and purposes "downing tools" due to the continued use of single use plastics at the PTS Academy stadium.

The former Scunthorpe man won over town fans with his full blooded performances last season and is equally as passionate about the impact of plastic on the environment.

The Fulham youth product said: "I sat down early in the summer with the Gaffer and am excited by almost everything they are trying to achieve at the club but cannot turn a blind eye to the club's lack of policy on plastics and the fact that at least east 267 different species have been affected by plastic pollution in the ocean.

100,000 marine animals are killed by plastic bags annually. One in three leatherback sea turtles have been found with plastic in their stomachs.

Plastic bags are used for an average of 12 minutes.

It takes 500 (or more) years for a plastic bag to degrade in a landfill. Unfortunately the bags don't break down completely but instead photo-degrade, becoming microplastics that absorb toxins and continue to pollute the environment.

To put this in to context, Northampton Town Football  Club was formed in 1897.
The average League 1 and 2 player is signed to a one or two year contract. I know this is unlikely but in 500 years time the East Stand situation may have been resolved yet as a society we will still be in a situation where seagulls are getting their beaks stuck in those plastic things they hold four packs of beer together with. Unacceptable."

Guest Blogger Cobblers Goalkeeping Coach Dan Watson: Forbidden Love

Hi Cobblers fans,

Phew what a scorcher of a Summer it has been!

Things have really been hotting up in the battle for the Cobblers number one shirt but away from football the battle for the number one job in UK politics is over. Congrats to Boris Johnson from all at the PTS academy stadium.

The new Prime Minister is of course good friends with local Northants lad Earl Spencer and this got me thinking and the old imagination going! So join me for another instalment of Dan Watson’s Fan Fiction Theatre. The year is 1981, the location Althorp House:

Forbidden Love

It was the aftermath of the annual Althorp autumn croquet tournament. The wine and conversation flowed, evening turned to night and the thoughts of one Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson turned to other matters..

"Charles old chap, where is the Camembert?"
"Honestly Johnson, thinking with ones stomach as usual! Try the guest kitchen, the staff have gone to bed now so help yourself" said the future Earl Spencer.

Fumbling round in the dark hoping the light of the fridge would guide him, Johnson paused as he heard a gentle sniffing sound.

The Eton schoolboy thought perhaps a fox or pheasant had wandered in from the Althorp estate. He was all set to obliterate the beast with his croquet mallet. When he turned on the kitchen light he would be forgiven for mistaking the eyes staring back at him for those of a lost deer.

It was Diana, Princess of Wales.

"Di! What are you doing here?!"

The Princess, tears in her eyes, swallowed.

"I..just visiting mum and dad, Boris isn't it?"

She knows my name..compose yourself Johnson of course she knows your name thought Boris..but why the tears?

"Is everything all right? Is Her Majesty in good health? The Queen Mother? DIANA HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE QUEEN MOTHER!?"

Diana looked up from her cocoa, stifling a smile.

"Oh that old war horse will outlive us all, don’t worry about her. No I'm afraid this problem is all too close to home. It’s Prince Charles, Boris. I don’t think he loves me. I don’t even think he knows what love is.."

Boris listened intently as Diana confided in him her suspicions that Charles was having a secret affair with Camilla Parker Bowles and Boris told Diana of his worries that the EEC would over time transform into a federal state, taking away Britain's status as a sovereign nation.

An hour later the pair were sprawled across the dining room chairs. Diana giggled.

"What is it Di? Don't tell me you too think this country's glory days are in the past?"

"Oh Boris, I had no idea you were like this, I always thought of you as one of my little brother's silly school chums, but look at you now, a man."

"And look at you now, a Princess" 

"I get so lonely rattling around in that big palace on my own..."

Nine months later on the steps of St Mary's hospital, London, photographers jockeyed for position to get a good shot of the blonde haired heir to the throne.

In the dormitory in Eton there was much banging of desks and shouting of "hip hip hooray" when the house master told the boys the good news:

"Some traditions are eternal. This child's grandmother can rely on Eton boys to run the country for her and keep Britain Great, and when, no doubt in the 21st century this child’s father leads the country.."

"As Prime Minister" Boris muttered to himself..

"What are you blathering on about now Johnson?" Asked Charles.

"Nothing Spencer, come on let's sneak out for a cigarette and a game of wiff waff with Darius Guppy. Last one to the table is a member of the working or middle classes.."

THE END