Monday, 29 July 2019

Goode Cause

As the Cobblers opener against Walsall draws ever nearer, we can reveal one likely notable absence from the ntfc side set to face the Saddlers.

Charlie Goode has indicated to manager Keith Curle that he is unhappy to play and will be for all intents and purposes "downing tools" due to the continued use of single use plastics at the PTS Academy stadium.

The former Scunthorpe man won over town fans with his full blooded performances last season and is equally as passionate about the impact of plastic on the environment.

The Fulham youth product said: "I sat down early in the summer with the Gaffer and am excited by almost everything they are trying to achieve at the club but cannot turn a blind eye to the club's lack of policy on plastics and the fact that at least east 267 different species have been affected by plastic pollution in the ocean.
100,000 marine animals are killed by plastic bags annually. One in three leatherback sea turtles have been found with plastic in their stomachs.

Plastic bags are used for an average of 12 minutes.

It takes 500 (or more) years for a plastic bag to degrade in a landfill. Unfortunately the bags don't break down completely but instead photo-degrade, becoming microplastics that absorb toxins and continue to pollute the environment.

To put this in to context, Northampton Town Football  Club was formed in 1897.
The average League 1 and 2 player is signed to a one or two year contract. I know this is unlikely but in 500 years time the East Stand situation may have been resolved yet as a society we will still be in a situation where seagulls are getting their beaks stuck in those plastic things they hold four packs of beer together with. Unacceptable."

Friday, 26 July 2019

Guest Blogger Cobblers Goalkeeping Coach Dan Watson: Forbidden Love  









Hi Cobblers fans,

Phew what a scorcher of a Summer it has been!



Things have really been hotting up in the battle for the Cobblers number one shirt but away from football the battle for the number one job in UK politics is over. Congrats to Boris Johnson from all at the PTS academy stadium.



The new Prime Minister is of course good friends with local Northants lad Earl Spencer and this got me thinking and the old imagination going! So join me for another instalment of Dan Watson’s Fan Fiction Theatre. The year is 1981, the location Althorp House:






Forbidden Love




It was the aftermath of the annual Althorp autumn croquet tournament. The wine and conversation flowed, evening turned to night and the thoughts of one Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson turned to other matters..



"Charles old chap, where is the Camembert?"
"Honestly Johnson, thinking with ones stomach as usual! Try the guest kitchen, the staff have gone to bed now so help yourself" said the future Earl Spencer.

Fumbling round in the dark hoping the light of the fridge would guide him, Johnson paused as he heard a gentle sniffing sound.

The Eton schoolboy thought perhaps a fox or pheasant had wandered in from the Althorp estate. He was all set to obliterate the beast with his croquet mallet. When he turned on the kitchen light he would be forgiven for mistaking the eyes staring back at him for those of a lost deer.



It was Diana, Princess of Wales.


"Di! What are you doing here?!"


The Princess, tears in her eyes, swallowed.


"I..just visiting mum and dad, Boris isn't it?"


She knows my name..compose yourself Johnson of course she knows your name thought Boris..but why the tears?


"Is everything all right? Is Her Majesty in good health? The Queen Mother? DIANA HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE QUEEN MOTHER!?"



Diana looked up from her cocoa, stifling a smile.



"Oh that old war horse will outlive us all, don’t worry about her. No I'm afraid this problem is all too close to home. It’s Prince Charles, Boris. I don’t think he loves me. I don’t even think he knows what love is.."


Boris listened intently as Diana confided in him her suspicions that Charles was having a secret affair with Camilla Parker Bowles and Boris told Diana of his worries that the EEC would over time transform into a federal state, taking away Britain's status as a sovereign nation.

An hour later the pair were sprawled across the dining room chairs. Diana giggled.


"What is it Di? Don't tell me you too think this country's glory days are in the past?"

"Oh Boris, I had no idea you were like this, I always thought of you as one of my little brother's silly school chums, but look at you now, a man."


"And look at you now, a Princess" 



"I get so lonely rattling around in that big palace on my own..."



Nine months later on the steps of St Mary's hospital, London, photographers jockeyed for position to get a good shot of the blonde haired heir to the throne.


In the dormitory in Eton there was much banging of desks and shouting of "hip hip hooray" when the house master told the boys the good news:


"Some traditions are eternal. This child's grandmother can rely on Eton boys to run the country for her and keep Britain Great, and when, no doubt in the 21st century this child’s father leads the country.."


"As Prime Minister" Boris muttered to himself..

"What are you blathering on about now Johnson?" Asked Charles.

"Nothing Spencer, come on let's sneak out for a cigarette and a game of wiff waff with Darius Guppy. Last one to the table is a member of the working or middle classes.."




THE END

Monday, 8 July 2019

HOSKINS ELONGATED SKULL DISCOVERY

He may often struggle to find the back of the net, but Cobblers attacking midfielder Sam Hoskins has used his summer break to uncover an unusual find, a mysterious shaped skull!



The former Yeovil man made the surprising discovery during an excavation in Alsace, France, when he uncovered a substantially elongated skull dating back 1,500 years. The ex Southampton youth prospect immediately contacted  Cobblers gaffer Keith Curle asking if the club could extend his time off in to mid August as the discovery prompted Sam to extend his search over 7.5 acres, which resulted in the discovery of an abundance of artefacts, human and animal remains from Neolithic, Gallic, Gallo-Roman, and Merovingian societies. It is not known if the former Preston North End loanee will meet up with the rest of the Cobblers first team squad on the preseason tour of Spain.








Hoskin’s agent said “The skull appears to have been intentionally elongated through the practice known as cranial deformation, which is usually associated with ancient Mesoamerican cultures and was practiced extensively in Europe, Africa, Asia, and South America. The important question is of course why? To answer this Sam will need to carry out further research and examine the other finds which in reality will mean him missing Walsall at home, Port Vale and possibly the EFL Cup tie at Swansea.”



This follows the news from earlier in the week that Dai Cornell had successfully excavated part of the tomb of Qin Shi Huang.

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

The 4 Reasons Why NTFC Are Going Down!

With NTFC all but relegated, here at #cobblers_scoops we have identified the four key areas the club have failed in on and off the pitch.

1 Players Out of Position

Both Hasselbank and his predecessor Justin Edinburgh had an abundance of talent, on paper atleast, at their disposal. Utilising the players on the club's books was another matter altogether.

As former Town manager Ian Atkins eluded to in a recent interview, successful Town squads in the past have been built around player's strengths rather than exposing their weaknesses. A case in point is Joe Bunney. An excellent crosser of the ball and genuine attacking threat on the left flank, but weak defensively, the former Rochdale man was regularly left exposed by Hasselbaink when playing him as a left back.



2 Lack of Characters and Unity

The 2015/16 team had leaders and fighters, throughout the pitch. From Zander Diamond at the heart of the defence, O'Toole battling in the middle, the inspirational David Buchanan at left back and Marc Richards leading from the front. One unit all fighting for the same cause, galvanised by a true leader in the dug out, even when for a long period they weren't being paid!

Contrast this to the current squad;  Dutch import Kevin Van Veen still apparently wishes he was at Scunthorpe, Buchanan was frozen out for the majority of the season by Hasselbaink, O'Toole's battling nature often bubbling over into frustration and anger. The overstaffed and some would say overpaid squad have shown no stomach for a fight all season save a few rare occasions.


3 Lack of Direction off the Pitch

A lack of progress off the pitch has contributed to the sense of gloom at Sixfields. From the 5uSport debacle to the lack of redevelopment. To paraphrase former manager Chris Wilder: "how long have we got to look at that unfinished east stand?".

4 The Royal Wedding

As the wheels well and truly came off the Hasselbaink regime, club insiders began to break rank and reveal the underlying reason behind the club's poor form; the majority of the players had an altogether different match on their minds; the upcoming nuptials of Prince Harry and former Suits actress Meghan Markle!

"It started off small," the anonymous club employee divulged, "there was light hearted training ground banter when Shay Facey and Matt Crooks turned up late because they admitted they'd been watching royal correspondent Camilla Tomniney on ITV's Lorraine speculating how Meghan would adapt to life as a royal."

But things soon spiraled out of control.

"People blame Jimmy for his erratic team selection, but in most cases he had no choice. Jack Bridge and Shaun McWilliams went awol at one point. Both nursing apparent "stomach bugs" then somebody at the club checked their instagram accounts and there they were, 'selfies' of the two of them together waving little union jacks in the front row as Harry and Meghan met the crowds at Cardiff castle."

"Look at Matt Grimes, easily the best free kick taker at the club. His late miss against Scunthorpe was the difference between one and three points. He'd told the gaffer he'd been staying behind in training to practice, in reality him and John Pemberton had spent the majority of the time talking about Meghan's bridesmaids. This soon escalated into a bit of a bust up when Matt insisted Jessica Mulroney would likely overshadow Meghan if she got the nod as maid of honour.


The Dutch lads, Jimmy included, felt totally left out. No wonder Kevin Van Veen mopes about the place sulking all day, so would you if you'd had Dave Buchanan in your face mocking you over the abdication of Queen Beatrix in 2013."

 'No way is she gonna get an invite, she couldn't finish her time as head of the House of Orange so I doubt she'd get through a wedding breakfast prepared by executive chef Ebbi Buchmann'  the former Bury and Preston North End full back is alleged to have said.

"The final straw came when Jimmy returned from a meeting with Kelvin Thomas after the Charlton game. Jimmy had promised the chairman he'd get things back on track in time for the derby with Peterborough and they both arrived at the training ground together. The lads were supposed to be out on the pitch with Dean doing drills. When they walked in and found the whole lot of them gathered in the canteen gossiping about Harry's beard while flicking through Hello, Kelvin totally lost the plot and stormed out."

Things didn't get much better after Hasselbaink's sacking.

"When Dean Austin took over as caretaker there was talk of a united front with everyone pulling together to avoid relegation but there is a definite split in the camp and it's all about the dress. During training earlier in the week they were at each other's throats. The younger lads think Meghan should go for classic American glamour like Oscar de la Renta but the more senior pros think this would be a slap in the face to the royal family and she should go for something more traditional like Alexander McQueen. The tackles were flying in."

A spokesperson from Clarence House said:

"His Royal Highness Prince Harry and Miss Markle are thrilled and grateful for the attention shown by the players and staff at Northampton Town Football Club and wish the club the best of luck with the remainder of their league one campaign.

They would both also like to strongly recommend Kelvin Thomas appoint a young up and coming manager as soon as possible rather than another one from the managerial merry go round, someone like the Cowley brothers at Lincoln obviously not them as they are too good now, maybe Kevin Wilkin he's done well at Brackley. If not him then Graham Alexander."

Saturday, 25 November 2017

SINKING FEELING

Northampton Town's woeful season has taken a fresh twist after it emerged that club chairman Kelvin Thomas has a blocked drain.

Cobblers fans booed the team off on Saturday after another drab performance, this time against fellow strugglers Bury. The club have not commented but it is understood Thomas has been distracted by the issue since the summer with no resolution in sight, adding further to the club's woes.

The drain in question serves the former Oxford chairman's kitchen waste pipe. The issue has apparently dominated town's training sessions with manager Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and assistant Dean Austin gathering players together as a group inviting them to offer solutions.

Rumours from inside the club suggest that both former manager Justin Edinburgh and current Town supremo Hasselbank opted to play Alex Revell and Marc Richards together despite their incompatibility, due to Revell promising Thomas the loan of a set of plumbing rods. When these were not forthcoming, the veteran striker was swiftly dropped.

It is also thought that the development has impacted on the club off the pitch with Thomas calling a halt to all future development until it can be proven that any new plumbing fittings in a revamped east stand will not suffer from a restricted water supply which would inevitably mean the drainage system would also be affected leading to frequent blockages and flooding. Unfortunately all local plumbers in the NN5 area were said to be "busy until the middle of next week" or presented the Shaq Fu radio co-owner Thomas with ridiculously large quotes when he sought out their assistance.





  

Monday, 26 June 2017

Major Investment! 10 Facts Every Cobblers Fan Needs To Know!

Cobblers fans were left stunned this morning by the news that Chinese company 5USport had purchased a major stake in the club. So who are these new investors and what will it mean for the future of the Northampton Town FC? 

Here are 10 facts about the Sport Development and Education company and the likely impact they will have at Sixfields.

1) 5USport have bought 60% of the parent company that owns the Cobblers. Despite this, current chairman Kelvin Thomas has insisted the deal is not a takeover.



2) Thomas is to continue as chairman and the existing staff will remain in place at Sixfields.

3) 5USport are keen to strengthen the club on and off the pitch with likely investment on the first team squad and youth team.

4) One possible target for the new Cobblers  investors could be former town striker and cult figure Adebayo Akinfenwa. So far 5USport have remained type lipped on the former AFC Wimbledon and Gillingham front man returning for a third spell at Sixfields but their CEO Tom Ayeung has yet to deny the "beastmode" striker is on his way back to Upton Way.
    On his way back?

5) Akinfenwa has a cult following online thanks to his classification as the "world's strongest player" on video game FIFA.

6) 5USport are based in China and are keen to boost the club's profile in the lucrative Chinese market.

7) The Terracotta Army is one of China's most famous historical sites. In total the famous sculptures took 37 years to build, the exact length of time it would take to read the redevelopment thread on Cobblers message board the Hotel End.

8) Despite their similar names, 5USport have no connection to the TV station Channel 5 or sister station 5USA.

9) Popular Channel 5 shows include Chris Tarrant's Extreme Railways and long running Australian soap Neighbours.

                                                       

10) Although he was in the original episode in 1985, Paul Robinson actor Steffan Dennis is not the longest serving Neighbours cast member. That honour goes to Alan Fletcher, aka Doctor Karl Kennedy, who has starred continuously in the Melbourne based drama since debuting in September 1994.


Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Doomsday Clock Moves to One and a Half Minutes to Midnight.

Experts announced the world is closer than ever to global catastrophe in a chilling warning last night. The rise of strident nationalism, the current Trump administration's attitude toward climate change and rising tensions with North Korea were all determining factors. However, in a shocking development, the hypothetical Doomsday Clock was turned forward a further minute to represent civilization being on the brink of Armageddon after a rival fan posted on another club's message board without beginning their post with the greeting: "Hi guys, Mansfield fan in peace".

Campbell Bettles, spokesperson for the Bulletin of Atomic scientists, who have maintained the hypothetical clock at the University of Chicago every year since 1947 said: "this is an unprecedented development, comparable to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914."

UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres commented: "This is a clear breach of UN Message-board protocol, it is highly likely this will cause irrevocable damage to humanity."

Last night the unwitting fan at the centre of the row, STAG4LIFE proclaimed his innocence: "I only wanted to know how Paul Anderson would get on this season. We seem to be signing a lot of players from Northampton lately, Joel Byrom has done well from what I've seen of him but I was worried with Anderson that we would have another Alfie Potter on our hands."

To make matters worse the thread was soon locked after an eagle eyed forum member spotted that a similar thread also mentioning Anderson's move had already been started following Zander Diamond's move to the East Midlands side, who finished 12th in League 2 this season.

Theresa May announced an emergency gathering of the COBRA committee to discuss the likely fall out from. In the event of nuclear war the NTFC supporters trust confirmed the car boot sale scheduled for 25th June would still be going ahead.