An open letter to the club and supporters trust from all staff members at Scoops.

Over the past few years, us here at scoops have become increasingly frustrated at the inaction and dithering of both the club and the supporters' trust.

For the past 8 years the club has had to exist without a big part of its infrastructure. It has suffered greatly as a result. 

Thats why it’s time to put aside petty squabbling and work together to put things right.

It’s time to bring back the big man aka the beast aka the strongest footballer in the world on fifa aka Adebayo Akinfenwa.

We here at Scoops have been subject to bullying and name calling on social media for our position. We’ve been called Gollum01604, Cake More, Gluten Free Arsehole (apologies, but your words not mine), The worlds only fat vegetarian, a knob (again apologies, but your words not mine), Marxist clowns, Go-ing (to be dead by xmas if he keeps drinking as much as he is), a self promoting attention seeker who once put darren carter on ebay, the spanish flu (we didn’t understand this one), King Shit Lips (see previous), screech from saved by the bell, rabbit teeth, sexless virgins, never at away games, to name just a few.

It’s time for the club and supporters trust to stop the abuse we’re getting because we want to bring Adebayo Akinfenwa home.

Thank you for listening to this thing I’ve written down. And Up the Cobblers!

#stoponlineabuse #bekindonline #bringbayohome

Open day line up leaked!

Its the most wonderful time of the year for Northampton Town fans - the PTS Academy Stadium open day.

A chance rarely afforded to the simple folk of Northampton, a chance to hobnob, chin wag and eavesdrop on the sporting elite of the large midlands town.

Scoops are delighted today to bring you the LEAKED lineup for the open day.

Splat the rat 

In an attempt to remind cobblers fans of his role in bringing an end to David Cardoza’s reign of terror, supergrass & CEO James Whiting will be donning a rat costume and has agreed to be hit with foam bats.

“I’m the good guy!” Whiting squealed when approached for comment. “Yes I did turn a blind eye to a lot of what David was doing for a few years, but I did actually let everybody know what was going on when it looked like i might go to prison as well!”

It’s £1 a go and if you pay £10 you can use your own bat.

Shooting Practice with Sam “Sammy” Hoskins

Want to practice your shooting? Well come on down to the open day. Sam Hoskins is going to be putting on a costume covered in targets. Kids will be given a paintball gun and will fire paint at Sammy whilst he runs around the goal mouth trying hard.

It’s £1 a go and if you pay £10 you can use your own gun

Who wants to play in goal next season raffle

Want to play in goal for NTFC next season? Well you’ve got to be in it to win it. The popular competition returns for the 4th year, with this seasons “gaffers” Jon and Col hosting a raffle to decide who lines up between the sticks next season, as the new “teyn” number one!

Its £1 a strip, but also if you’re mum and dad can “donate” £10,000 to belle du joir holdings, it can be fixed so you win.

Mystic Kelvin

Spend 20 minutes gazing into our magical chairman's cgi crystal ball (previously belonged to David Cardoza) and the last 5 years will be forgotten. You'll come out saying "he saved us, we almost didn't have a club before he came in".

Also get free endorsement for your facebook group and/or podcast!

BUMBLING CLUB OFFICIALS ACCIDENTALLY REGISTER NEW SIGNINGS WITH “ELF” INSTEAD OF EFL.

By Throw In

Embarrassment this week as due to a typo club officials accidentally registered the new signings of Nicke Kabamba and Mitch Pinnock with a mythical Elf, instead of the English Football League (EFL).

No blushes were spared at the PTS Academy Stadium, as the Chief Executive and Press Officer who run the club, weren’t aware of the typo until being contacted by the Elf himself!

Scoops was able to reach the Elf (King Elf of the Woods) for comment “I wasn’t really up to much, just pottering around my forest kingdom. I thought to myself ‘ah i haven’t been in touch with the elf who is in charge of the kingdom of dreams in a while, I’ll drop him an elf mail’. Much to my surprise when I logged into my special magic elf mail portal, I saw I had three emails from Northampton Town Football Club!” 

Where Gareth Wilshner's email ended up

Given we’ve only announced two new signings so far, we at Scoops were surprised to hear there were three emails. We wondered if King Elf of the Woods could maybe give us some inside knowledge on who may be the mystery third man. Worryingly the third email wasn’t about that at all “The third email was for the energy company EDF.  I understand they supply some of the power in the human realm. Anyway if i was an NTFC supporter, I’ll say one thing -bring a torch to night games next season”.

King Elf of the woods contacted the club through twitter to let them know of their mistake. “I tagged on the customary, ‘not a Northampton town fan, but will look out for your scores every saturday from now on’ to be polite. Next thing I was getting all sorts of offers”.

Savvy podcasts and supporters groups, knowing they had an opportunity to attract new support from the “Elf Dominion” started fighting over who was going to get him what. The Shoe Lickers facebook group offered to pay for his ifollow season ticket, so he could watch Sam Hoskins miss open goals in 240p resolution. The it's all cobblers to me podcast offered to buy the elf a shirt. Whilst the New Hotel End , offered to make him a very small safe standing terrace behind the goal, for him and his elf friends.

How the East Stand may look in the future

“All the offers have been very generous, but due to my busy elf schedule I doubt I’ll make it to a game next season” lamented the elf before continuing “However, much like the New Hotel End, if you believe in me hard enough, however fantastical or implausible i may be - i will be at the pts academy stadium next season”.

Cobblers Scoops is unsure if the club have rectified the registration error, so if you’re the supporter of another league club who's interested in two former Kilmarnock players nobody has ever heard of, just keep it to yourself alright?

Good news! PTS Academy has created life out of bits of dead men! Bad news - the creature’s decided to support Peterborough United.

Good news turned to bad this past week at the mysterious PTS Academy.

After recent dissidence among “Cobblers” fans, club owners Belle du joir holdings limited decided to get the boffins at the PTS academy to make some new ones.

“The fans quite frankly have become a pain in the arse” a spokesman for the Cayman Islands company named after a prostitute complained. “Why can’t they let us just do what we want like they did before?”.

Rather than engage with the current fans however, Belle du joir decided they’d try something new - build new fans out of the remains of the dead.

When asked a month ago if this was ethical, a spokesman had this to say “nobody wants to fill a stadium with creatures built from bits of dead folk. But other clubs such as Mansfield Town have been doing it for years, and they seem to do alright”.

So, at their request - the PTS Academy got to work creating a new shoe army of the dead by buying the corpses of men on United States controversial death row. 

After weeks of painstaking and expensive research and experiments, scientists introduced the prototype fan -  “S.T.A.N.” (season ticket (holder) at northampton) to the assembled press.

“He looks just like the real thing” said one Chronicle and Echo reporter, before adding “you’d think he’d been watching the cobblers for years” about the man made of bits of grey meat sewn together, with some sort of liquid leaking out his ear and two crossed eyes.

The launch of S.T.A.N seemed to be a success. However, after club representatives showed him his new season ticket seat for next year, S.T.A.N became visibly uncomfortable. Audibly enquiring to his handlers “is this it, is this life? Why have you made me? Why must I exist?”.

S.T.A.N unfortunately had suffered the same existential crisis many cobblers fans suffer. Unlike others though, this occurred 3 minutes after entering the ground.

In order to try and cheer S.T.A.N up, Belle du joir sent him to Benidorm to enjoy some sunshine before the start of pre-season. But disaster struck, when who did S.T.A.N bump into? Thats right Peterborough United impresario Barry Fry.

“The lads terrific, a good lad with a good head on his shoulders - literally,  the heads apparently from a fella who had an IQ of 124” Fry cooed to assembled press. “I invited him to London Road to show him what we had to offer, and now he’s decided to be our monster in the stands next year” he added.

S.T.A.N at his unveiling press conference at peterborough said “I’ll always be grateful to Northampton Town for funding my creation at the laboratory at the PTS academy, but Peterborough just feels like home for me. Im settling in well and can’t wait for the new season”.

Nobody at the PTS Academy was available for comment at time of writing.

Throw In.

OH BOY! Quantum Leap's Sam Beckett fails to stop relegation from League One, no longer possessing Jonathan Mitchell.

BY football and paranormal correspondent "Throw In".

Few players have drawn Cobbler's fans ire this past season like goalkeeper Jonathan Mitchell. 

The young Derby County goalkeeper frustrated supporters with a string of error laden performances. However Cobblers Scoops has received word that his unconvincing displays between the sticks, may have been the result of some cosmic interference.

Quantum Leap’s Dr Sam Beckett has been playing in goal for the Cobblers under the guise of Jonathan Mitchell, to try and save them from the drop to Sky Bet League 2.

“Like most leaps, I don’t know why I’m there until things really get going” the main character from the 90s sci fi hit explained. “I’d just finished doing a stint standing up against White Nationalists as part of the American Civil Rights movement. I leaped, and when I woke up I was picking up a backpass against Burton Albion!”

This particular mistake irritated most of the shoe army, but Sam reassured Cobblers Scoops it was an honest mistake. “This may be the 'swiss cheese' effect that leaping from person to person within my own lifetime has on my memory, but I don't recall ever watching a soccer game, and here I was playing in goal for the Northampton Cobblers, how would I know I wasn't meant to pick it up!?” 

Dr Beckett continued “then to top it all off, I was asking my best friend Al, what was going on and what I was meant to be doing, and Michael Bostwick smashed the ball really hard at me and scored. At one point I thought Al, who was sort of leaning on the post, was gonna clear it off the line, but as the ball drifted harmlessly through his chest I remembered he was a hologram that only I can see and hear."

Whilst boasting an impressive record of successful 'leaps' Dr Beckett has failed at least one other mission before failing to keep the Cobblers up. Whilst embodying a ferris wheel operator at Georgia's (USA) state fair in 1972, he forgot to screw a key bolt into the ride. This meant when he fired up the wheel,  it rolled away into a nearby ravine carrying 32 children on board. "The ferris wheel just got away from me" laughed Sam, "a bit like a few shots i've faced this season!"

Whilst Sam failed in keeping the Cobblers up he was still in good spirits. “I’ll always look back on my time at the PTS academy stadium fondly. We seemed to do OK against the teams above us but every time we lost against the teams around us Ziggy would report back that the odds weren't looking good for survival. Yes I didn’t keep the Cobblers up, but some tasks are too big, even for quantum leapers”.

Dr Sam Beckett is currently a showgirl in 1930’s New Orleans, tasked with stopping the murder of the city's Mayor. Jonathan Mitchell has returned to Derby County and doesn’t remember any of his loan spell. Steve Arnold, the other goalkeeper on Northampton Town's books this season has left the club to take up a new position with Starfleet as captain of the Starship Enterprise NX-01 in the 23rd century.

ON LOAN TO LEAGUE TWO!

GUEST BLOG RELEGATION SPECIAL!

By "Throw In"

Relegated Northampton Town fans wondering “how could this happen?” at the only club in England where this regularly happens.

Cobblers fans were left stunned this weekend as a 3-0 defeat to high flying Blackpool, left the club consigned to spend next season in English football's basement division.

“I just weren't expecting this at all” said ntfc supporter Coco the clown, about a side that got rid of their entire back 3 over pre season, decided to play a competition winner in goal for the 4th year in a row, and took the unusual step of playing the entire campaign with no strikers.

Henry B Dunce, founder of shoe lickers facebook group weighed in on a post to say “I’m beginning to think Kelvin Thomas and David Bower don't care about the club at all!?”, forgetting that over the past 5 years these two men who live in the USA and UAE respectively, tried to sell the club to a chinese sports memorabilia firm without telling anybody, quietly changed the clubs ownership over to a cayman islands based firm named after a prostitute, been relegated twice and not finished building the east stand like they promised when they bought the club.

There was more confusion over the senior positions at the club. Barbara Nice, who prefers playing in league 2 anyway took to twitter to ask “what is it that James Whiting does again?”, 3 years after a verdict on the missing millions explained the answer was not a lot, until his interests could potentially be harmed.

Finally Barry Shitpeas from the cobbler talk podcast took to one of his 4 twitter accounts, (2 inactive) to let everybody know he thought “the club will slide into the conference if something drastic doesn't change!” after spending 3 years helping to maintain the status quo, by shouting down progressive ideas from the supporters trust, hosting weak q&a’s with the chairman, and telling other concerned fans that “it’s his (kelvin thomas) club, he can do what he likes with it”.

The cobblers begin their 125th and final year in the Skybet League 2 next season.

Boys Behind Bars Backfires on Brady!

Special report by our football correspondent "throw in" 

Cobblers manager Jon Brady was left red faced after an attempt at a team bonding exercise caused him to be without 6 first team players for the week.

The enigmatic Aussie was inspired to reenact the Stanford Prison Experiment with the first team squad this past Wednesday after hearing a podcast about it on the way back from Charlton.

Unfortunately, after splitting the group into prisoners and officers - 10 unnamed staff including 6 players were locked in a makeshift “holding cell” (matchday escape room) for 3 days, when “Prison Sergeant” Sam Hoskins misplaced the key.

“Nobody was really sure what was to be gained from doing this to begin with” one furious club insider scowled. After locking up after recreation time, Sam Hoskins quickly got tearful before reluctantly revealing he’d put the keys down somewhere and now couldn’t remember where.

The situation was made worse when club chairman Kelvin Thomas found out about the issue. The unnamed insider said that the chairman was said to be furious that the matchday escape room was being used, and forbid anybody stuck in there from creating a makeshift toilet, as it would cost the club “considerable matchday revenue” in the future.

It wasn’t until Saturday morning, that Hoskin’s grandmother found the keys in his lunch box, after emptying his kit bag for its weekly wash - he’d put them there when he had his midmorning snack of dairylea dunkers.

When asked for comment, ex Rushden and Diamonds man Brady shook his head “it was a bad few days, I only expected the experiment to go as intended - with the lads in the role of prison officers mistreating and possibly tormenting the lads who were prisoners. It was silly of me not to foresee that some kind of mishap would befall us”.

However, with the first team recently getting a valuable point at promotion chasing Doncaster Rovers, Bradey wouldn’t rule out trying the experiment again.

“My job is to win football matches and conduct research into human behaviour on behalf of the PTS Academy. If I let one setback deter me from trying new things, then I’d never learn anything”.

The Cobblers play Oxford United this evening in League One.

Anniversary Shirt Special Edition

2022 will be a milestone year for Northampton Town Football Club and now all Cobblers Supporters can celebrate this with a special commemorative shirt!

It was what feels like 125 years ago that David Cardoza announced plans and intentions to expand Sixfields stadium (but get someone else to pay for it). A historic legacy that continues to this day.

To celebrate this a special one off edition shirt with the full high court judgement of Northampton Borough Council vs Cardoza embroided into it is available to all tax payers left affected by the unpaid loan.

Poles Apart!

Cobblers fans are once again bracing themselves for the latest delay in the redevelopment saga and this time the reason is literally out of this world!

Scientists believe 780,000 years ago, the north and south poles reversed and swapped position. It may be about to happen again, with devastating effects on the club's plans to expand the east stand.

Many facets of Cobblers fan's lives depend on the Earth’s magnetic field, anchored by the North and South poles, from the electrical grid that powers their computers allowing them to watch buffering footage of the club in action on I follow to the satellites many of them are looking forward to use to tune in to GB News. A polar switch may be about to happen again, some scientists believe, with potentially disastrous results for the 2020 league two playoff winners.

A geomagnetic reversal is a change in a planet's magnetic field such that the positions of magnetic north and magnetic south are interchanged (not to be confused with geographic north and geographic south). The Earth's field has alternated between periods of normal polarity, in which the predominant direction of the field was the same as the present direction, and reverse polarity, in which it was the opposite. These periods are called chrons (not to be confused with the local Northampton newspaper whose reporters apparently had no idea what was going on behind the scenes when the original land deal to redevelop the East stand went awry).

Professor of pole-ology at PTS academy university and retired NASA scientist Chad Huckle explained; "We are literally looking at a scenario where north becomes south and south becomes north. This would cause chaos as the North Stand would become the away end and South the home. Best to put things on hold even more with the East stand until things are a bit clearer as in a post covid world this could lead to confusion as the lads in the South corner of the west stand would be spending the entire game chanting and gesturing to their fellow cobblers in the south stand, I mean north. Come on lads we're all Cobblers!"

There is also the question that if the North and South poles were to swap, would  Northampton Town football club become Southampton town football club and play in the Premier league and would the South coast outfit be prepared to up sticks and play in League One?

In more positive news, fan favourite Nicky Adam's would likely return to the club as he'd feel more at home playing in the club's new more northern setting. (But only if the club were relegated to league two).

Other problems the polar switch could create such as the destruction of the ozone layer and the world's satellite system, environmental catastrophe and mass extinction are being debated by a committee made up of experts from the University of Columbia, NASA scientists, the United Nations and the Shoe Army Facebook group.