NEW GOALS! Cobblers Post Season Plans Revealed!

 

After a long and gruelling season, most footballers can be forgiven for enjoying a well earned rest. Holidaying in warmer climates with family and friends, some are known to arrange end of season jaunts with teammates to give their bodies, and brains, a rest from the beautiful game. However, when it comes to the NTFC squad this summer, some are taking a break..with a difference!

Sam Hoskins, Death Metal Front man

Former Southampton man Sam will be swapping the roar of the Sixfields crowd for an altogether different set of avid fans, as his death metal band, Nuclear Martyr, will be embarking on a summer tour of Germany and Austria.

"Literally hours after the Barnsley match I'll be jetting off to Frankfurt. I'll be leading the line for the shoe army on Saturday, then front man for Nuclear Martyr at Wolf-Fest on the Sunday!

Many Cobblers fans might be surprised to hear I'll be spending my summer screaming dark anthems into the night sky next to a bloke with a goat skull tattooed on his forehead, but if anything, my time at NTFC has been a big creative influence on my metal career. Our most famous song, Chorus of Dysentery, is about the abuse I used to get from the West Stand when they found my final ball lacking a couple of years back. Bleak Horizon is inspired by the ongoing East Stand saga."

Mitch Pinnock: Bloke who puts bags of compost in your boot at the garden centre

Team mates often joke six footer Mitch looks like he has slept in a grow bag but this summer he'll be hauling them into green-fingered Shoppers's motors, and it's all thanks to lady luck. 

"I'd nipped into Dobbies to get a last minute bouquet for my mum's birthday" the former Southend, Bromley, Maidstone United, Dover Athletic, Kingstonian, AFC Wimbledon and Kilmarnock man explains,  "my ntfc training top was the same colour as the staff uniform and a customer mistook me for the guy who puts bags of compost in your boot. I didn't have the heart to tell them I didn't work there..then someone else asked, before I knew it I had a queue of plant mad OAPs asking me to load them in their's! I've well and truly been bitten by the bug, it's great to give something back to the gardening community. I had a word with Martin the manager and he's put me on the rota from May." 

Pinnock will have to remember to bend his knees when picking up compost and also be extra careful not to catch the bit of metal on the inside of the boot on the bag of compost as this can lead to particularly messy spillages.

Manny Monthé: Butlins Redcoat

Cameroonian Manny may be trying to emulate the on the field success of countrymen Roger Milla, Rigobert Song

and Samuel Eto'o, but from May to July he'll be trying to follow in the footsteps of Des O'Connor, Jimmy Tarbuck and Stephen Mulhern!

"Football is a short career and we all have to prepare for life after we retire. The transferable skills I have honed alongside the lads in Sky Bet League One can easily be used in the role of Redcoat. It's all about teamwork and entertaining the punters.

In my time in soccer I've been able to demonstrate a variety of talents, being versatile is part of the job description, whether its dominating at left back, filling in at centre half, sometimes getting forward for set pieces and laying on the odd assist. As a Red Coat I'll be welcoming and entertaining guests, fulfilling general duties, supervising the Kid's Club and be part of the costume character team. 

Belting out "Let Me Entertain You!" to punters at Minehead is easily on a par if not better than keeping a clean sheet against Burton Albion. Scoring against Milton Keynes Dons in the Bristol Street Motors Trophy was a pretty good feeling but is no comparison to reuniting a child with a lost toy.

And dealing with the likes of Ephron Mason-Clark in League One is a walk in the park compared to handling a load of excitable six year olds climbing around the soft play!"

Louie Moulden: Human Statue

With many players out of contract come the off season, Cobblers fans could be forgiven for expecting plenty of movement, but in the case of keeper Louie it couldn't be further from the truth! He'll be donning a silver suit with matching face paint and bowler hat and will be taking to the streets to mimic a statue. There are no doubts in the Wolves loanee's mind he'll be up to the job.

"Confusing pensioners and upsetting young children by standing motionless is something I've had a lot of practice in at Sixfields this season."

Next time: Sam Sherring sets up a detective agency 

Campaign: Over! Cobblers Late Season Slump caused by first team's addiction to Dungeons and Dragons

It's been a season beyond expectations for Northampton Town football club. Recent promotion campaigns from league two have often resulted in relegation back down to the basement division within a couple of years. 

This year however, Jon Brady's men have produced some excellent results and football. At one point fans even dared dream of the play offs, however it was a fantasy world far beyond most Sixfields regulars's wildest imaginations which has seen ntfc's season come to a grinding halt. 

"Forget the shoe army, the boys have been more concerned with the Orc army!" a first teamer, happy to speak to us if referred to by his elfish name; Ravenor Nightvale, confirmed to this blog.

"It all started during the trip down to Pompey. We were travelling down the night before and staying at a hotel. Jon Guthrie brought along a starter set of Dungeons of Dragons. He thought it would be good for bonding and team building."

The Fantasy tabletop role-playing game which recently celebrated its 50th anniversary, is a structured yet open-ended role-playing game. 

Typically, one player takes on the role of Dungeon Master while the others each control a single character, representing an individual in a fictional setting.

Jon Guthrie: Dungeon Master

"When Guthrie pulled out his polyhedral dice on the coach and asked us to fill in our character sheets the lads were bemused to say the least, but by the time we'd reached Newbury services they were engrossed in their attempt to set up camp in a secluded spot outside Cragmaw Hideout.

I'd say Jon was an excellent DM (Dungeon Master). He did a great job of explaining the rules but his descriptions of the Forgotten Realms were so engrossing you'd really get lost in the adventure! Jordan Willis got so into his excuberant bard character that even the not very observant goblins guarding the entrance to the cave noticed us!"

    The NTFC first team squad

However it wasnt long until the quest to find the treasures of the lost mines of Phandelver interferred with the mission to finish in the Sky Bet League One play off positions.

"Part of the reason we travel down the night before on some away games is to make sure we're nice and relaxed for match day. But when you've got the majority of the first team squad sneaking into a conference room and exploring Old Hawk Well until 4am on the morning of a matchday you know things have got out of hand. No wonder the lads were knackered and Pompey tore through us like an Owlbear on a rampage in Thundertree Village."

    Owlbear

The problems didn't end there.

"The boys just got completely absorbed in the D&D campaign. The players house in Upton became the official base and we put up a sign dubbing it "Stone Hill Inn". The curtains are always closed and theres figurines, goblets and candles set out to create the mood. It was initially considered banter when Marc Leonard turned up in a wizard's hat, but when he did a true resurrection spell that brought Sam Sherring back to life after an encounter with an ancient white dragon, there were genuine tears of joy from some of the lads.

        Stone Hill Inn

D&D talk at training and matchdays totally dominates now. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Jon Brady. He's trying to get us ready for the Charlton game and you've got Jack Sowerby turning up dressed up as a Gnome Cleric.

     Jack Sowerby/Mordawk Mildew

The real reason Sam Hoskins was out for so long? Mitch Pinnock dropped his Barbarian club on his foot."

There was no resurrection spell strong enough to rescue the Cobblers after their humiliation at the hands of their old rivals Peterborough United.

"Things were in complete disarray. In training the gaffer told us the plan for nullifying the threat of Jadel Katongo, and Sean McWilliams suggests luring him up on to the roof of the Meerkat Family Stand with a mirage of a treasure chest as it's likely Mormesk the Wrath will attack him up there.

    The Meerkat Family Stand,London Road 

During the game Louie Moulden kept on at the ref complaining the first Posh goal shouldnt have stood as he had a dexterity level of +3 and had thrown a 20 meaning he'd actually lept 20 feet across the goalmouth catching it easily."

Northampton Town are due to face Derby County on Saturday 23rd March, subject to the Derby squad leaving their local branch of Games Workshop on time after an all night Warhammerfest.

Cobblers Beware! Rushden and Diamonds Are On the Comeback Trail!

Northants football's biggest under the radar success story continued last night with another thrilling victory for AFC Rushden and Diamonds FC.

Diamonds were a thorn in the side for the shoe army during the late 90s and early 00s, bankrolled by Dr Martins millionaire Max Griggs, the Nene Park outfit climbed above NTFC to reach the giddy heights of the third tier. 

A memorable day out at Wembley in the 2002 league two play off saw a huge 6,000 army of fans, most of whom were related, leave the rural confines of East Northants to  experience the novelty of electricity and running water. 

But the bubble burst when Griggs pulled the plug on Diamonds financial support. Their decline saw them tumble down the football pyramid into oblivion. 

Off the pitch it was a sad day when Councillor Shep barked in agreement at Irthlingborough Village Council planning meeting, approving the redevelopment of the derelict Nene Park site into housing.

But now new manager Kyle Robinson, who recently found himself in charge of the reformed AFC Diamonds after signing up to the "find me a seven aside team" feature on the Power League app, is predicting big things for the Cobblers country cousins.

"After a shaky start we're climbing up the league, two wins in a row at any level of the game is impressive and despite the names, Beercalona FC and Man-chest hair United were tough opponents."

Robinson is expecting a bumper crowd for the upcoming top of the table clash with  Unathletico Madrid.

"Moulton Magpies Under 10s have their training on the astroturf after us and always peer through the fence".