Good news turned to bad this past week at the mysterious PTS Academy.
After recent dissidence among “Cobblers” fans, club owners Belle du joir holdings limited decided to get the boffins at the PTS academy to make some new ones.
“The fans quite frankly have become a pain in the arse” a spokesman for the Cayman Islands company named after a prostitute complained. “Why can’t they let us just do what we want like they did before?”.
Rather than engage with the current fans however, Belle du joir decided they’d try something new - build new fans out of the remains of the dead.
When asked a month ago if this was ethical, a spokesman had this to say “nobody wants to fill a stadium with creatures built from bits of dead folk. But other clubs such as Mansfield Town have been doing it for years, and they seem to do alright”.
So, at their request - the PTS Academy got to work creating a new shoe army of the dead by buying the corpses of men on United States controversial death row.
After weeks of painstaking and expensive research and experiments, scientists introduced the prototype fan - “S.T.A.N.” (season ticket (holder) at northampton) to the assembled press.
“He looks just like the real thing” said one Chronicle and Echo reporter, before adding “you’d think he’d been watching the cobblers for years” about the man made of bits of grey meat sewn together, with some sort of liquid leaking out his ear and two crossed eyes.
The launch of S.T.A.N seemed to be a success. However, after club representatives showed him his new season ticket seat for next year, S.T.A.N became visibly uncomfortable. Audibly enquiring to his handlers “is this it, is this life? Why have you made me? Why must I exist?”.
S.T.A.N unfortunately had suffered the same existential crisis many cobblers fans suffer. Unlike others though, this occurred 3 minutes after entering the ground.
In order to try and cheer S.T.A.N up, Belle du joir sent him to Benidorm to enjoy some sunshine before the start of pre-season. But disaster struck, when who did S.T.A.N bump into? Thats right Peterborough United impresario Barry Fry.
“The lads terrific, a good lad with a good head on his shoulders - literally, the heads apparently from a fella who had an IQ of 124” Fry cooed to assembled press. “I invited him to London Road to show him what we had to offer, and now he’s decided to be our monster in the stands next year” he added.
S.T.A.N at his unveiling press conference at peterborough said “I’ll always be grateful to Northampton Town for funding my creation at the laboratory at the PTS academy, but Peterborough just feels like home for me. Im settling in well and can’t wait for the new season”.
Nobody at the PTS Academy was available for comment at time of writing.
Throw In.
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